I come in a form of a letter because lately things have been chaotic. I dislike your idea of me. And apparently and I automatically assume that you dislike my idea of you. At the moment, I want to hurt myself, throw things around, breaking thing, shout out obscenities, but I hold it in because I dread what you might do if I had a outburst like that. You do understand your idea of me is not really who I am right?
Well, most of the letter is going to trail of to certain things. I bet you forgot that about our little talk about me having suicidal thoughts. Yeah, I been having them lately, you know here and there. No big deal. I'll get over it. I think we need to see a therapist or something to work this out. Seriously all this shouting and anger is not doing any good.
Let's what to touch first...So many things to talk about. Ah, yes. I know you know that I overheard what you were talking about Daniel. Let me tell you this, I'm going a bit insane. Sanity has no part in this letter. Why? Because I'm sure you would freak out when you read this letter. Again, sanity have left me. If I did had sanity, I wouldn't have cried and type this letter up to you and in plus I'll keep my feelings all bottle up. I won't even re-read this. Apparently, I have calm down enough to not insert any profanity.
But back to what I was saying, You do realize what you told Daniel about the graduation thing? Yeah that. That happened six years ago. You know people change in six years. Let's talk about going from 6th grade to 7th. Grade. Tis is the most fun years of my life! ^_^ Yeah.... I was so innocent in 6th grade, but 7th grade I tried so hard to fit in. Oh yeah I tried to fit in with the white people, who were mostly goth and punk kids. Instead, I got to become emo! I wrote poetry (mostly about you and the wonderful talks we had) and had sucidial thoughts! That was fun. I was always depressed. But guess what! You didn't notice! You said you can read me like an open book.
People in Charlotte was not kind and the whole thing in 8th grade year. Haha, switching to normal classes to advance. I was a bit more open about school then, and it was a bit rough at the time. But guess what you did! Just told me to bare with it. Oh, yeah I told you I was bullied too! I was having so much fun being bullied. This was still in seventh grade. I got stuff thrown at me and crap. I told you, but all you did was said, “You need to be stronger. If you ignore them they will stop” What kind of crap is that! They didn't! And in 6th grade you told me that you would come into my school and personally talk to the principal and crap. I expected you to talk those bullies down. NO! You put the blame on me. That's what you always do. I expected you to support me on when I was going to a new school or when I went to the advance classes.
During the 7-8th grade year, I hope you do notice that we fought a lot! Now, it's coming back and maybe my depression too. It's odd that I have the most troubles at home. Home is suppose to be my haven. I haven't told you a lot of things. I have my reasons. Why you think Daniel and I have better communication with each other than you? Because we have an undestanding of each other thoughts. You, no. With you, you like to be redundant and force your ideas on us. I might sound like a bigot, right now. Hold up, I have yet to unleash my views.
You think I care about only myself? I care about my friends? Really Mother, I have no real friends. Just like you said that they don't last forever. You and your wonderful views. I said I have no real friends because I'm not allow. Not allowed? What do you mean? Well basically what I mean is that I don't even have a social life. That's right. I don't hang out with friends outside of school. I feel awkward just talking to them. Do you realize I get ask to go hang out a lot, but I had to decline because you have work and stuff. I do take things in consideration, but you don't seem to notice.
I admit I have became lazy and stuff, but you treat me as a (I'm sorry, but it seems that I am getting a bit worked up. So excuse me for my langauge) heartless, unloving, selfish b-i-t-c-h. Ha! I said it. Mother, wake up and smell the coffee!!! You only see and hear things you want to here and it's mostly things you want to attack us with.
You do realize, you freak out on me. You always portray Daniel as a saint and me as an evil devil. Again I suggest we see a therapist. We are in desprate need, of one. Why is it me getting attack? Hmmm? Is it because I'm more reactive? I don't know. But I don't want to ASSUME anything.
But I shall theorize. You know you are locked up in your room and don't know what's going on when you are asleep. So you just automatically cook something up from what you see. Honestly it's not the best way. I'd like to switch lives one day. Just for one day, see how it feels to be in your shoes.
How about something to cure you? A taste of your own medicine. You wonder why Daniel doesn't talk when you have 'serious' talks? I think I'm beginnging to understand. It's becasue of fear getting you all angry. You say you're not going to get angry, well you do at the end. I'm tired of not being able to say anything. I'm tired of not being able to say anything. I'll be mute for a week and be your puppet. You pick the week I'll do it.
I'm not kidding. This letter stinks of sarcarsm. And I don't care. Why I lost my sanity at the moment and probably dread giving this letter to you tomorrow. Honestly, I can't talk to you it's not a healthy thing for me. My exzima has gotten worst due to you. You know it flares up when I'm stressed. You are most of the stress.
It's mostly about school and chores. SCHOOL AND CHORES! Have we ever sat down and have a nice little chat about nothing! No! SCHOOL AND CHORES do not make us. People around us and the enviorment makes us.
I am upset. You are the one that cause it. It's funny how you yelled at me when I cried so loud. I cried loud because of the shit you were saying to Daniel.
Mother this is not a healthy way of speaking to your child. I must say, my mentality is a bit wack from the norm. Again we need to see a therapist.
Oh, in plus, I have no reason for putting my phone on vibrate. It's a habit. It's hard to break from it. You know bringing it to school and all.
I just love how this who chaos started with not picking up the phone.
I expect you to be tearing my limbs apart after reading this. This is my idea of you. How do you like it? It's not bad. Mine is worse don't you think?
I have plently more to say, but I can't think of any of it at the moment.
Oh yeah, plus. THE PAST IS IN THE PAST. Why bring it up again, dear mother? THINGS CHANGE.
Believe it or not. Why don't we flush everything down the toilet and start anew? Maybe it's for the best.
Love you dearly, Your Daughter.
| i hope all is well||| Posted on 2009-08-23 00:00:00 | by save me | [ Reply to This ] |