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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: How Is This Not Murderdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: siroez
    ASL Info:    27/Male/WV
    Elite Ratio:    5.23 - 101/87/44
    Words: 122
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 808
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 813



    Description:
       looking for some help with grammar used in poetry.

    please comment and let me know how to improve.

    I realize this is not the best of my poetry. I have not written in a very long time. I know how to read this piece a certain way to make it sound good. so i guess maybe its just a personal fling.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHow Is This Not Murderdots
    -------------------------------------------


    How is this NOT murder?

    =====================

    i have felt my soul,
    the things i can not control,
    and I
    have seen fate come into to a fold

    and i know your there.

    all this time i was terrified
    looking for a reason to keep me alive.
    buried deep beneath is where I survive...

    but you've always been here

    begging the stars to relieve my burden
    to be mistaken, to be awakened
    and not forgotten

    you stand there, suffocating me.

    choking.
    crying.
    screaming.

    there was no reply, for the reasons why
    You kept me here this way.
    by the torture of my own mind.

    how is this not murder?




    Submitted on 2009-08-24 23:15:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      for the first while i thought, for some odd reason, you may have been talking about god. just the ever presentness of the being in this piece but i doubt god would have a choking suffocating effect though i guess anything is possible depending on your relationship/thought processes toward such things.

    the first stand alone line should read "you're"

    i dont think you make a very solid point with this piece.
    its almost like the last line comes from no where and if you are looking for the reader to understand and make some kind of judgment call theyre unable to because there isnt much to base the question on...

    the rest of the piece doesnt seem to lead to the question. maybe try to integrate the idea of 'how is this not murder' a little better and give the reader a better sense of what it is thats happening that causes you to ask such a question...

    not a very coherent comment on my part
    i hope it makes some kind of sense.



    | Posted on 2009-08-25 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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