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    dots Submission Name: "Enclosure"dots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 577
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 666

       Dedicated to the one that carries my heart, selflessly healing and teaching me to love again...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Silence shatters to dawns first embrace
    Serene wind floats, drawing to her body.
    She was a rainbow that got under my skin
    Cupping the seeds' waterfall from within.

    Bricks eject from barriers broken.
    Souls' contortions ironed just.
    Doubts of deservance ribboned out.
    Bliss bubbling from needed trust.

    Unison of essences smother together.
    No use in trying to touch the floor.
    Exchanges growing in grades of knowing.
    A raining collaboration of smiles.

    Selfless love, compassionate gift.

    This is me, personified anew.


    Submitted on 2009-08-25 19:22:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Are you ready for this, my dear?

    I truly hope so...Sorry if it troubles you... D:

    I love the first line! It really opens the poem. (*dawn'S) I know you're trying to stick to 4 lines in each stanza, but...I don't know. You've read one of my poems and know that I love imagery. I couldn't imagine how your lover was a rainbow. Was her personality colorful, thrilling, luminous?

    In general, there was no story to this, no background or given foundation. It sounded like random pretty lines tossed together. BEAUTIFUL lines and wording, but they don't make sense without the fat around them. Each line has detail, but none of that detail sheds light on anything else around it, doesn't connect everything. Keep focused.

    Also, the Lady below was right about the rhyme scheme. Pick one and let the words flow. Don't push yourself. Just breathe, FEEL everything as intensely as you can that makes you love this person, and write away.

    *huggles* That wasn't so bad, eh?

    | Posted on 2009-09-03 00:00:00 | by mojymo | [ Reply to This ]
      I always enjoy love poems -- as long as they aren't cliché -- so I can say that I enjoyed this, much. It's a lovely little ode.

    I am one of those writers that tends to believe in improvement. I am more dogged toward my own writing, but I do have something to say about this. I am not sure how you are about critiquing, so I will say that I'm not trying to change you in any way, just offering up insight beyond feeling.

    Technically, your rhyme scheme...well, there isn't a scheme. You go from xxaa to xbxb to...free verse. My suggestion would be to even this up by eliminating all rhyme. It would make for more consistent reading and the reason I don't suggest going for a set rhyme scheme is because I don't think it would do it justice. This also opens you up to more original synonyms for your rhymed words. If that makes sense.

    I particularly enjoy the idea of being personified anew. Even as is, it's precious.

    And the title! is great.
    | Posted on 2009-08-26 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      very well writen...bravo

    this is very scenery and beautiful but just not for me....in my opinion i just don't really like lovey poems....but for those of whom who do...this was a good one

    | Posted on 2009-08-26 00:00:00 | by taintedsmiles | [ Reply to This ]

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