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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Stolenhearteddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Framedsabotage
    Elite Ratio:    0.01 - 0/2/1
    Words: 32
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 596
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 173



    Description:
       I think it is a poem. Yep! The last two lines rhyme, 'tis a poem!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStolenhearteddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am the victim whom still wanders the path,
    step by step an empty vessel,
    void of joy or love, of mind or soul,
    for stolen from me was the lovers tool.




    Submitted on 2009-08-25 20:30:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I am her victim
    wandering the path,

    step by step
    an empty vessel,

    void of joy and love,
    right and wrong,

    for stolen from me
    was my lovers song.

    I still think you don't need punctuation (commas or periods) in any part of this post. The 'right and wrong' section sounds a bit too plain to carry the effect you desire, so I suggest you reconsider the last four lines in favor of something with more punch. However, you are headed in the right direction.
    | Posted on 2009-08-26 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      
    I am her victim
    wandering the path,

    step by step
    an empty vessel,

    void of joy and love,
    right and wrong,

    for stolen from me
    was the irregular beat
    to the lovers song.

    | Posted on 2009-08-26 00:00:00 | by Framedsabotage | [ Reply to This ]
      I am (his/her) victim
    wandering the path

    step by step
    an empty vessel

    void of joy and love
    mind and soul

    for stolen from me
    was the lover's tool


    I have no idea how you feel about editing your work, but I would recommend doing so with this write. The concept you use is direct and simple, so there really isn't any need for punctuation when line breaks can serve the same purpose. Of course, these are only suggestions that you can use or discard as you see fit. Simplicity works well for you here.

    Bill
    | Posted on 2009-08-26 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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