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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Toy Soldiersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TheQuestion
    Elite Ratio:    0.88 - 1/5/12
    Words: 223
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 51
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1530



    Description:
       Based on a true story


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsToy Soldiersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    "Come with us," they said to him
    "we'll make you a man."
    Just a poor child,
    his toys sticks and sand.

    But they gave him a gun,
    and taught him to kill.
    His mind filled with hate,
    they urged him still.

    Pictures were taken,
    with his rifle aimed high.
    Slung it over his boyish shoulders,
    and took bets on who would die.

    "That way." they pointed,
    their mouths stank of greed
    "They are not like you.
    Go and do our deeds."

    His enemy was strong,
    they towered over his frame.
    But he would never run,
    he couldn't bear the shame.

    And so he chraged,
    while so many around him died.
    He hoped only that his actions,
    would earn his father's pride.

    Close now, the enemy loomed,
    he could see the nails caked in mud
    And he pulled the trigger.
    He saw the explosion of blood.

    He didn't think twice.
    He killed another and another
    A father fell, then a brother,
    followed closely by a mother.

    Another shot rang out
    he felt the pain in his neck.
    He gripped it hard
    But could not keep his blood in check.

    And so this eight year old boy,
    that they had made a "man",
    Died in a distant village,
    surrounded by sticks and sand.

    -?




    Submitted on 2009-08-27 18:07:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I found this an interesting read to say the very least. I liked the idea of putting yourself in someone else's shoes and found it interesting that you chose an 8 year old terrorist, however I found this piece rather predictable, too rhyme-y, and lacking in much conviction. I think this piece would benefit from a re-write. First try removing all rhyming and just say what you want to say. Second I can see you feel strongly about the falsification of his manhood by the action of killing for other peoples views or ones he's come to believe in. I believe you should try to dig deeper for your true feelings of the subject and write them down. IE, I feel sad, guilty, and pity because of what happened to this child, how can I express that so other people can see and understand how i feel? Third, I think this piece would be a little more interesting if played around with the parts of narrator and overall symbolism. Perhaps have the narrator affected by instance, or be personally invested in the situation. What kind of symbols do you think sticks and sand make? To me they symbolize the bare basics and perhaps poverty of nomadic living. Utilize that.
    If you think i have the ability to ramble endlessly or you found this review helpful, let me know.
    HoRatio
    | Posted on 2009-09-03 00:00:00 | by Horatio | [ Reply to This ]



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