Description: ...such an old poem. i don't know from when. but it still resonates, even now, with me. it always has. sigh.
such clichés.
such hope.
hardyharhar
and e=mc2
is such a nuisance
at times.
If ever I knew you like this -------------------------------------------
You could show me all the money
inundated with the smoke of sadness
and I would come
hold you
for the moment it takes
to feel the warmth
of living like
there really is
a destination in mind
I know it's the journey there
I know it's meant for love
and the laughter of trying new things
of being unafraid to run naked
or ride through the treetops
like a monkey
in the Amazon rainforests
Too long I'd stare off
and not say what was meant
even if I was threatened
with murder
my mouth
would be
like a mousetrap
closed already
I've embarked
on the circumference
of my own world
discovering the vistas
trapped in photos
I've been wanting to share
but haven't
due to
a myriad of problems
I dared to call problems
when really
it was me
working against me
Come unlock this door
to a heaven I've been searching for
show me this paradise
where snakes can be seen
where swamps can be flown over
where I
will know the difference
between the seven sins
I'll knot rope
jump it
sing to the roads
that beckon me
I would have slept
longer than sun, moon, stars permit
to give some witticist the slip
and learned to revel in a green display
where there is neither dark nor day...
i love this.
it is right for me just now.
you just find the right words and arrange them in the very best order
and they have a spell of their own as if you have breathed life into them.
i can understand why a long time ago
people believed that heart strings
could be pulled. it is that sort of resonance ...
i am with Angelo on this!
im in love with the second verse especially. funny but lovely.
"I dared to call problems
when really
it was me
working against me"
"Where snakes can be seen" ! a place where every lie and secret will be shouted from the rooftops. where snakes cant whisper little things in your ear and confuse you. love this.
There's something terribly distant about your eyes
the way they travel from my lips down my body
to rest firmly in that space
ill-defined
questing for the truth
found in pharmacy pills
you used to swallow
so you could fall asleep
after a 16 hour day
playing with kids
and working the tables at the Viaduct
I recalled the moment you shot over me
all tongue on fire
and lightspeed fingers
delving past my defences
into my world
of hips and thighs
the total span of time
making me feel used
yet pleased
I was somehow only a virus
to be re-infected
Tell me that words
will never be enough to haunt your mind
tell me that line 6 of stanza 5
was ambition in foreplay
before the final act of consecration
blazed a comet into the conflict
between two people
just trying to get on
with living
with reading
with writing all about
the various ways
to cook tikka masala
while conversing in broken Latin
about the price of salt
I have no idea most of the time
if anything written
will make sense
but I try
perhaps too hard
to make it cohesive
and tangible
Perhaps I need
that kick up the arse
we all crave
when in a masochistic mood
when in a state of denial
most would deny
i write this because i feel lost at times, and need anchoring - to something believable, to something which means something to me, in any way. because it feels right.
i don't have time to hate.
it makes no sense.
truly.
p.s.
form - it's how it's read out loud - try it.
snakes - yes, biblical, but the antithesis, the knowledge in what is meant to be known at some point already. if that makes sense.
You should know I give you this comment well-knowing your probably hate or dislike me, and the way I go about things. That is fine, and perhaps the words I've to share are destined by the stars (as I imagine it would translate to in Jase-speak) to be disregarded.
I have a few edits to blow into the wind... Just for [censored]'s sake, you know?
In your first stanza, rather than 'moment', perhaps 'moments' ?
In your third stanza, perhaps 'already closed' both to avoid the kind of detracting rime, and.. well.. meh.
In stanza four, perhaps a variation between the two me. This again to avoid the rime, and to amplify the separation of the selves? Also because saying 'it was I' is actually proper english, so why the flub not.. but meh again.
In the fifth, I had a twisted thought for the snake line.. 'eaten' rather than seen.. Why? You speak of things normally shunned as taboo - well, in a heaven free like you might wish it to be, shouldn't such perceived evil or sin be eaten freely? It's kind of biblical.. and whatever.
My last suggestion would be the last line. Just drop 'i've' to make the concern more universal. A little less I could do this piece a lot of good, but ignoring that.. I would call it necessary in that line.
I also don't agree with a lot of the form in the poem, but that's a matter of bickering and taste. You've already said whatever else I could've said about the poem in the description... minus the 'resonate' bit.
Submission Name: If ever I knew you like this
