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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: As Death Callsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Alilia
    ASL Info:    18/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    1.7 - 28/41/50
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 504
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 547



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAs Death Callsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    With a steady hand
    I write these last words of mine
    I sense irony as I take a deep breath
    Soon I will grow cold
    No more air to fill my lungs
    My body becoming more fridgid than my heart
    My eyes grow weary now
    As I feel death nearing
    He is sitting at my head
    Laughing at my cruel twist of fate
    Heartbeats on longer come rhythmicaly
    I long to move on from this life
    To end my suffering
    Never to feel this pain again
    Death has come to take me...




    Submitted on 2009-09-01 18:53:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think you could have made this much more interesting- perhaps if you had written it as a letter to someone you could have kept it more focused. This was pretty dramatic, a little too much, to be honest. This just doesn't read like a person's final thoughts.
    I think that it doesn't have any feeling in it, which you could use. I mean, it makes sense that someone on the verge of suicide would be dissociated, and that could be how you make this interesting.
    I do think it needs re-working- you could make this original and fresh, you could show us why it is ironic that you are about to die, it could be witty, it's an interesting topic and I feel that you didn't use that to your advantage.
    Maybe if you read the work of other poets who write about similar themes, such as Sylvia Plath, Christina Rossetti's darker stuff, Roethke deals with pain alot, I don't know, it might help you improve if you see how other poets do it. Just a thought.
    | Posted on 2009-10-06 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a nice poem. its dark and crisp enough to make it appealing. good job there.. but i expected a better description of the writer's emotions,, still its a nice work
    | Posted on 2009-09-03 00:00:00 | by rsujith | [ Reply to This ]
      I like hotdogs
    -------------------------------------------

    With a steady hand
    I write these last words of mine
    I sense irony as I take a deep breath
    Soon I will grow cold
    No more air to fill my lungs
    My body becoming more fridgid than my heart
    My eyes grow weary now
    As I feel death nearing
    He is sitting at my head
    Laughing at my cruel twist of fate
    Heartbeats on longer come rhythmicaly
    I long to move on from this life
    To end my suffering
    Never to feel this pain again
    Death has come to take me..

    I found this piece to be over dramatic in expression because of your word choice. Typically these types of poems are rushed out in moments and then tinkered with endlessly until they have lost their original meaning.
    For instance you say you sense irony but there is not support to that statement anywhere in this piece. Do you sense irony because you think your life is meaningless and you are killing yourself, if so, then why?
    You'll find that when you just get to the basics of what you are writing, why you are writing it, and what you are trying to say, your poems will be more coherent.
    Also, you might enjoy more talking in detail about your pain in your writings. I can sense there is deep pain by your poem but I'm left with no other way of knowing anything about you. Why will you "soon be cold"? do you owe the mob money, did you survive a near death experience and think death is trying to get his due, do you plan on doing it to yourself, and if so why?
    If you have any concerns or thought my review was helpful lemme know.
    HoRatio
    | Posted on 2009-09-03 00:00:00 | by Horatio | [ Reply to This ]
      Such a short poem yet so deep. It's an amazing writing. You summed up a topic that usually takes time to write in just a few lines of a poem. Very good job.
    | Posted on 2009-09-02 00:00:00 | by extrEMO | [ Reply to This ]
      good!
    | Posted on 2009-09-02 00:00:00 | by ratava | [ Reply to This ]


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