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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 25dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: halopop
    ASL Info:    25/f/FL
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 167/141/21
    Words: 317
    Class/Type: Prose/Venting
    Total Views: 310
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1838



    Description:
       i wrote this on the night of my 25th birthday.... i am still working on it so i thought that i'd post it here so i could perhaps get some help with it...



    just so you know, this is meant to be read aloud as is most of my writing, there are a few forced rhymes (sorry) if you have any suggestions that would eliminate that.... much appreciated!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots25dots
    -------------------------------------------


    for twenty-five years
    I’ve collected my tears
    made of all of my hopes, my wishes, and fears.
    the thoughts run and play
    forever and a day
    but it’s time now to say
    that I’m done with dismay.
    for my thoughts to be complete,
    would get me back on my feet,
    take me off of this “street”,
    and let my heart start to beat
    for once in this life,
    just one day without strife
    that cuts like a knife

    so,
    in this intersection
    it’s time for intervention,
    or maybe some injection
    of pure simplicity
    which was never enough for me
    but I guess now, it has to be
    time for my creativity
    to get the best of me

    as I step up to bat
    let me tip my hat
    as I wonder how I got so damn fat
    on all this confusion
    I just need to do something.
    let me sit and be free
    to do whatever I please
    so I can say with ease,
    been there,
    done that,
    but now,
    this is where it’s at

    the glorious elation
    of my education
    erased,
    now replaced with this deprivation
    of pure common sense
    so I wander, perplexed
    why my family’s vexed
    at the person they see
    when they’re looking right
    through
    me

    I want to find peace
    in my OWN Middle East,
    but my temperature’s rising,
    as they look at me sizing up
    all of my faults and mistakes
    with their eyes as their rakes…
    but they can’t see within
    this cloud that I’m in.
    no, not covered in sin...
    just let me begin
    to unveil my desire
    to walk on this…
    MY fire.





    Submitted on 2004-07-19 20:29:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      the only thing I didn't like was the strife/knife rhyme. sounds so much like taken from some teenage angst suicide poem. maybe you could think of something else. besides that your poem is really good. it has a nice flow and you've portrayed your feelings very well. my favourite lines are 'I want to find peace/ in my OWN Middle East', too. really good poem.
    | Posted on 2004-07-20 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked the lines: "I want to find peace /
    in my OWN Middle East"..

    and i think i can honestly say i know how you feel.. i just turned 25 and handled it with very very little grace and dignity and a LOT of alcohol.. lol.. i wish i had some little words of wisdom (for myself as well).. but i dont .. but it's always good to know there are other people who can relate :)
    | Posted on 2004-07-20 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      well this was very nice...i thought it was a bit long but because of that i dont see anyway for u to really edit it. but i really liked it! and u dont have any spelling mistakes which is good.nice work!
    BrennA
    | Posted on 2004-07-19 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, although you say, the rhymes never felt that forced to me, maybe a little obvious, but the piece has a nice feel to it. Shows your personality well, your passion, humour, strength of character, determination. Maybe not group all the rhymes together as you do. But maybe that's why it worked so well... Maybe to walk 'in' this fire rather than on, i don't know. I think there is defiantly something you could do with this to make it stronger, just not sure what...
    | Posted on 2004-07-19 00:00:00 | by wilderness | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked it. you keeped the rhymes up nicely and your thoughts were oragnised. the only thing is "as I wonder how I got so damn fat
    on all this confusion" i dont know, athough i get the meaning of it. it just dont seem to run alonge with the rest of the rhyems. i would just try to re-word it using a diff metaphor. but i like this really i did. keep writing
    | Posted on 2004-07-19 00:00:00 | by wretched_muse | [ Reply to This ]



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