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    dots Submission Name: Shiny Redemptiondots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 124
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angst
    Total Views: 587
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 782


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    dotsShiny Redemptiondots

    I stare into the mirror.
    Grief separates anxiety.
    A splendid mess of stupor.
    Horrid doom overcoming me.
    Why did i become this? For her?

    Drawer opened - I numbly grapple the scalpel.
    Movement stirring up behind me goes unnoticed.
    Dark mind calls me to summon the black fist.
    Should i proceed or rather go fetch the barrel?
    The blade gets raised to my contorted face so dismal.

    Red ribbons descent gladly under the dance of silver.
    Martyred maniacally alone - no one to cry me a river.
    Shrivelling shakily to the floor - my life force so poor.
    Now finally i'm gone - no one can hurt me anymore.

    Do not weep for me for i am free evermore.


    Submitted on 2009-09-03 04:10:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      My face still hurts.
    It reminds me of something I might have felt, or even written, at 13, but would never have placed in the public eye. I understand there is a movement for such dark thoughts, and even a style to go with it. Believe me; I was emo before there ever was "emo". You show an intense need to express yourself, and I can relate. The life of the poet, from whence comes his wellspring of creativity, is often tragic, eccentric, and bittersweet. However, this is one poem I think would be better to have been written and burned. Not that your words are so terrible, or your thoughts of a kind that do not have a following among those who can relate. Try to tone it down a little. Use this thought in a more symbolic way, and something like this could be really good. Or use poems like these as an emotional release only. You will feel all the better for it in the end. I can definitely see potential here, so try not to think of this so much as a criticism, but more as a helping hand from someone who has been there. I found in my case that lithium helped a lot.
    | Posted on 2009-09-03 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Merry Meet. Your piece I find wanting in that you did not display the depth that you wanted to expose the reader to. Although Raphael`s critque is xxxstrong it is to a point that I can share.
    No woman or anybody has the power over anybody to drive anybody into state op desperation, as the figure in your poem is experiencing.
    You show talent – use it wisely then and look into the Mirror of Your Self and be thankful that you are still able to do that. It may just be a poem but it shares a lot in reality. Regards.
    Blessed Be. Joachim.

    | Posted on 2009-09-03 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]
      You cry yourself a river. This is very bad poetry. Really, on the whole it's crudely written, self-defeating, boring and completely un-original. You have all the stereotypical shallowness in-herrent in most angst poetry, but the fact you allready know this makes it all the more sad.

    "Red ribbons descent gladly under the dance of silver"

    Ironically, one of the most cliché metaphors turned out to be a decent line in regards to having a bit of thought put into it, but it's still a tired formula and whats more the next line is ridiculously lazy:

    "Martyred maniacally alone - no one to cry me a river"

    It's nice to see you've discovered what alliteration is, but the way you've emplyed it here is clunkyness of the highest order, with an un-inspired lyric from Justin Timberlake tacked on the end for good measure.

    Also the word stupor, here as an explaination of what a stupor is


    Note the important part:

    If not stimulated externally, a patient with stupor will be in a sleepy mode most of the time. Short periods of restricted responsivity can be achieved by intense stimulation (e.g. pain, bright light, loud noise).

    So basically, what that means is that if you've gotten yourself into "a splendid mess of stupor", you probably won't be cutting your face off in the mirror, most likely you'll be lying in bed like a mute vegatable.

    So what you've written is just silly.

    "Do not weep for me for i am free evermore"

    This makes for a bad ending as it basically assumes people want to cry over the person speaking throughout the poem, when all the reader will really feel is annoyed by how stupid the whole scenario (which is too pretentious to ever happen in real life) well and truly is.

    You probably have the talent to write a decent poem, or perhaps you'd like to try your hand at fan-fiction, I'm not so sure what kids are into today, but less angst poetry on your part would be great because you royally suck at it.

    Stop trying to be so hardcore and be honest with yourself when you write, it might help.

    | Posted on 2009-09-03 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]

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