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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Where Not to Treaddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Soul-Hugger
    ASL Info:    33/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 409/221/65
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 524
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 700



    Description:
       I have tentatively called this one "Where Not to Tread." It was a poem I wrote about 2 years ago, but was lost when my ex, with whom I had generously shared five years of my life, destroyed my journals that contained all the poetry I had written in a space of four years. This frustrates me to no end, because I was putting together a manuscript, and there is no way I can remember them all. In this one, I cannot remember the beginning. But I hope with the telling, ideas will be reborn. I welcome thoughts of any kind. Don't know why I was driven to use the word "doth", but I thought it sounded better than "does."


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhere Not to Treaddots
    -------------------------------------------



    .....These faithless faces crowd among us,
    Searching through us, never seeing;
    Ideas formed in fragile lifestream,
    Cemented soil with hidden seeds.

    For what doth sprout without a sprinkle,
    What doth crumble without pressure,
    Life brings forth in violent splendour,
    Tattered pieces out of order.

    Where do I fit among these shards,
    Unknowing forces cutting sharply,
    How do I help these broken people,
    Cradle them in unsure arms?

    Hold a shaking hand to steady,
    Lead them over faulty ground,
    Try to show not just the right path,
    But demonstrate where not to tread....




    Submitted on 2009-09-03 16:37:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      my overall assessment is that i like it without liking all of it.

    These faithless faces crowd among us,

    For what doth sprout without
    What doth crumble without pressure,
    Life brings forth in violent splendour,
    Tattered pieces out of order.

    Where do I fit among these shards,
    Unknowing forces cutting sharply,
    How do I help these broken people,
    Cradle them in unsure arms?

    Try to show not just the right path,
    But demonstrate where not to tread....

    these are the bits i liked. i like most that it's a short rhythm like a hymnal, it lends a searching, fallible, stunning sincerity to it.

    i don't like sprinkle because following doth it seems too lightweight, almost comical, although i do like that it is little. i guess i'm saying it is not the right word as it stands and that maybe you could look at the phrase, or seek out a replacement.

    i guess what other parts i left out, as parts that i didn't enjoy, where those that were too much the hymn in their particular places, because there's the danger here that this is all church sound and nothing of yours. that's not to say that anything written here could be found directly in the bible, that's not to say that you are not perfectly capable of making Erin's sound, it's just there isn't a lot of risk here.

    having said that, i find the poem to be a comfort.

    yours in confusion,
    db
    | Posted on 2011-01-13 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Comment 1 : "Doth" soundeth fine! We are poets and have a licence to use every word! Sometimes I get so frustrated at the lack of freedom of speech that we have to put up with in ordinary conversation with a vocabulary of about 63 words before people start in with the funny looks ...

    Comment 2 : It made me reflect that most poeple are not anywhere near so "broken" as they think they are, and this is a really good thing to try and prove to them somehow. But exactly how, that flummoxes me quite often!

    Comment 3 : The story of your ex destroying the collection is absolutely disgusting. You are probably a really gentle person who wouldn't dream of hurting a fly; but for myself, well a good dose of flyspray would do people like that a world of good I reckon.
    | Posted on 2010-05-04 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      Wanting to help someone in trouble when YOU feel troubled yourself. Very nice. You have some really good lines here.

    "For what doth sprout without a sprinkle" - I like that!

    The third stanza especially touched me. Wouldn't change a thing about it.

    I like that you didn't rhyme but moved it along in an even way.

    Not sure why you have "...." at the start and finish?

    Your theme/story is compelling and written rather well.

    | Posted on 2009-12-16 00:00:00 | by kre8ive1 | [ Reply to This ]


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