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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: rotten insidedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Dark Dann
    ASL Info:    18/ Male/ San Diego
    Elite Ratio:    6.44 - 78/67/53
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 519
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 817



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsrotten insidedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Cursed mistakes.
    Thoughts filled with hate.
    I couldn't take
    you're pain away.

    I'm rotten inside,
    My soul has died.
    A lifeless shell,
    I bid you farewell


    Don't think I want to leave you.
    Don't think I want this through.
    I can't imagine life without
    you. My mind is clouded in doubt.

    I'm rotten inside,
    my love has been denied.

    I was so wrong.
    To think I could bare be away.
    Day one, and my skies are gray.
    I can't bear the thought of day two.
    Already I can't stop thinking about you.
    I want you back, where you belong.
    But until then, I wonder if I am strong
    Enough to bear the time.....




    Submitted on 2009-09-04 00:45:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The first two stanzas make me think you are leaving because this person is hurt (can't really tell whose fault it is) and they are refusing to be consoled. They are too angry or hurt or whatever it is to receive help and after how ever long you waited you eventually said no more.

    but then the final stanza involves so much questioning of your decision I am not sure if that is the case? Why leave if they are in pain and you cannot help them if it hurts so much (not you personally just questioning the poem's intent). "My mind is clouded with doubt" might be the most accurate line of the poem. It amplifies the confusion the speaker has thus it amplifies the confusion the reader has which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I am getting the message of being hurt it's the situation I am fuzzy about.

    there are some grammatical errors like in the first stanza: you're instead of your. But that's nit picky crap. Irrelevant really to what the words are...

    I used to rhyme as much as possible. It was a rule in fact for me. But I found it restricts what you can say often and makes what you say seem unnatural since you may be replacing a word that makes more sense to say with one that rhymes. I started using sequences of words that flowed well that included rhymes here and there with metaphors etc...

    gray skies have been used so often...try finding an image that suits you and/or your situation better. if you find one, you can change the flow of your poem instead of having to rely on a rhyme

    anyway
    just some things to think about

    eli
    | Posted on 2010-02-04 00:00:00 | by Silenced Hope | [ Reply to This ]
      First to comment on this <3

    A question: This poem is from earlier on? It looks like a poem I would attempt writing, with the clumsy rhyming etc etc...

    "Think Feedback more than Compliments"

    Psh, whatever ES. I'm trying. e.e;

    *Doesn't like being mean when commenting, obviously*
    | Posted on 2010-01-27 00:00:00 | by xAngeliquex | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    12. Does it feel original?



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