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    dots Submission Name: If only if onlydots

    Author: Dark Dann
    ASL Info:    18/ Male/ San Diego
    Elite Ratio:    6.44 - 78/67/53
    Words: 174
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 642
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1059


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIf only if onlydots

    Emotions have a tendency to get in our way,
    like a storm that won't sway.
    It's there, engulfing us
    in a way that we all ditrust.
    Whether be love or hate,
    it puts our mind in a state
    where all we think about is them,
    almost like we are condemn.
    It's like a damn punishment,
    where all we want to nourish them.
    Even if they despise us,
    we won't let them get by us.
    Even if creeped out,
    we won't put out.
    We try and try
    until we either die or cry.
    It's like an ever lasting struggle,
    which we end up strangle,
    by those very chains
    that bind our love to hate.
    If only we had the heart to give up.
    Would it better, or would we need a mop?
    I wish I know.
    I wish I had the power to do
    the very thing that would break my heart
    yet, also save me from the dark.
    If only...If only I had never met you...
    Perhaps then, I wouldn't be such a screw...

    Submitted on 2009-09-04 00:55:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      would it be safe to say youre a fan of rhyme?
    i hate rhyming... i cannot make it work without it sounding/feeling forced so i just never do it.

    i think your use of rhyme detracts from your message in this piece because there are places where the rhyme is very unnatural as if you have tried so hard to make the words rhyme that you've kinda forgotten what youre trying to say..

    it puts our mind in a state
    where all we think about is them,
    almost like we are condemn.

    that last line doesnt really make much sense though i kinda know what youre trying to say. i guess there is poetic license available but you may be tryng to extend it a lil further than coshir haha!

    but youre right that emotions are the ruin of people. gah! im in love with a boy on the other side of the world and as a result of the wonders of technology [or lackthereof in the third world] i havent been able to speak to him for the longest time. and its awful what the mind will do... the tricks it will play... the plays it will write based on nothing but distance, missing and lonely.

    maybe from a writing veiw point you could think about trying to write this without the rhyme... see whether it makes more sense or your message can be communicated more clearly...? i dont know... its always a challenge to bust out the same idea in a different form and sometimes its quite rewarding too because you can mash the two pieces together to invent amazing babies haha!
    | Posted on 2010-03-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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