Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Last In Linedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: silverpen
    ASL Info:    17/F/Right Behind You
    Elite Ratio:    3.39 - 16/35/35
    Words: 14
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 745
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 70



    Description:
       The things I can offer
    Are second best in this world.
    My blood tastes like copper;
    And all else tastes of gold.
    I could not know for certain
    That everything would be fine
    But yet, one could hope..
    In the back of one’s mind.
    The pain still hurts,
    And the rejection still stings.
    But I don’t have the right,
    To complain of these things.
    When all else is lost,
    That’s my chance to shine.
    Until then, it seems…
    I’ll be last in line.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLast In Linedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Just a little something that I felt like writing, spur of the moment.




    Submitted on 2009-09-04 23:23:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      did you post your poem and description round the wrong way on purpose?
    its quite the trip haha.

    anyways..
    in some ways this piece felt a little too... generic.
    there are a lot of phrases in here that most people are overly familiar with which detracts from the piece a whole lot because its like you are stringing together a whole lot of well known clichéd phrases and calling them your own thoughts...

    is there another way to say 'when all else is lost'?
    can you find a way of saying it without using those words? a way of creating more of a desperation? because when all else is lost there is a desperation involved in this feeling... you know?

    i guess im hoping for a little more depth?

    and maybe last in line isnt so bad... at least youre IN line... right?
    | Posted on 2009-09-05 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    178179

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry