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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Softdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    22/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.13 - 227/367/118
    Words: 54
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 360
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 402



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSoftdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The rain comes in
    from the mountainside

    and the musculature
    quietens. The birds, the beasts,
    the slanting cliff,

    the light, the restless
    hollowed emptiness,

    the bits of lava and bits
    of heartbeat and bits of
    racing animal mind.

    It quietens.

    The rain comes in like a slow blink.




    Submitted on 2009-09-05 20:10:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is a many layered poem.

    i like that it is just a state poem, in that way it is soft,
    soft as nature, calming everything, allowing it to forget.

    i like that it is a dead rabbit (rabbits are gentle things)
    lying with its mouth open in the act of drawing a breath, and its eyes> wet.

    i like that it is a depression poem.

    all these things that the author is saying, and moving through, and exploring, consecutively and the place that they have landed?

    and maybe it's just the rain,
    coming through.

    In that respect, it is very lovely, and I hate to say anything about it.
    | Posted on 2012-06-15 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      "and the musculature /
    quietens

    nice opener...

    and the bits of...stanza...excellent..

    i don't agree with the last review at all..there is an ambiance to this piece..i have been in the mountains of vermont...felt this, seen the cows lying in the pasture waiting the storm...or just lying in the steady rain...

    and there is a quietness about it all..a peacefulness...even with the "restless emptiness/ and the racing animal mind"

    everything is still but the mind races...

    you simply painted a scene..

    and brought back the quieten...and the rain like a "slow blink"
    i like that...rain causes us to blink...the eyes wet..with could be rain or could be tears...

    peaceful write. the way it is.

    sometimes we just tinker too much and then ruin a good thing...

    revision when necessary is good...and useful...but just for the sake of feeling we need to change something...i don't buy it..

    last lines leaving it to our imagination how to take that...positively or negatively...good.

    as it stands...this is It!



    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Commentary type requested: Unspecified

    1. Baseless poem. Needs a description and some more content.
    2. Soft....rather the poem is quiet.
    3. Ending has to have some meaning. That is also hopelessly dependent on the reader to imagine.
    4. serenity is not always explained but make it more appropriate. It should be perfect calm..At the end the reader should really feel a sense of calm rather than just feel calm.
    --If thats the target then the poem is a good start.
    | Posted on 2009-09-06 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Soft is a very apt title. It's exactly what this poem is. I've always enjoyed the meditative quality that poetry can, sometimes, possess, and this holds that so eloquently. It was a pleasure to read, and I even went back to read it again, just to let it settle over me.

    I don't agree with the previous review in regard to your stanza set up. I think it reads fine as is. I like how the fourth stanza's repetition of 'bits of' somewhat halts the reader to sort of slow down before reaching that 'It quietens.' I like the pacing there.

    One thing I do have a qualm with, and it's really just personal peeve: Your last line I think is awesome, but lacks in its placing. To have the poem rest on "It quietens.' seems like a natural point of determination. 'The rain comes in like a slow brink' is also a variation of the first line but I found the poem not long enough to establish this.

    I wonder if you could work it into the first line, something like:

    --

    The rain comes in
    like a slow brink
    from the mountainside

    --

    Maybe? I don't know. A thought. Take it leave it whatever. Regardless, this poem gave me pause and a sense of peace that I very much needed.
    | Posted on 2009-09-06 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very beautiful. I can just feel the quietness from reading the words! The way you wrote the verses makes the poem rougher to read in places, although if you took away the spaces it would read very smoothly. Do you think it would work to have two lines for each stanza? Anyhow, thanks for sharing this insightful piece.
    -dancer
    | Posted on 2009-09-05 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ]


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