Soft by saartha

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Submission Name: Soft dots

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Author:	saartha
ASL Info:	20/F/US
Elite Ratio:	4.52 - 172/247/87
Words:	54

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	52
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	402

Description:

Soft

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The rain comes in
from the mountainside

and the musculature
quietens. The birds, the beasts,
the slanting cliff,

the light, the restless
hollowed emptiness,

the bits of lava and bits
of heartbeat and bits of
racing animal mind.

It quietens.

The rain comes in like a slow blink.

Submitted on 2009-09-05 20:10:32 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Commentary type requested: Unspecified

1. Baseless poem. Needs a description and some more content.
2. Soft....rather the poem is quiet.
3. Ending has to have some meaning. That is also hopelessly dependent on the reader to imagine.
4. serenity is not always explained but make it more appropriate. It should be perfect calm..At the end the reader should really feel a sense of calm rather than just feel calm.
--If thats the target then the poem is a good start.
| Posted on 2009-09-06 00:00:00 | by keestu | [ Reply to This ]

Soft is a very apt title. It's exactly what this poem is. I've always enjoyed the meditative quality that poetry can, sometimes, possess, and this holds that so eloquently. It was a pleasure to read, and I even went back to read it again, just to let it settle over me.

I don't agree with the previous review in regard to your stanza set up. I think it reads fine as is. I like how the fourth stanza's repetition of 'bits of' somewhat halts the reader to sort of slow down before reaching that 'It quietens.' I like the pacing there.

One thing I do have a qualm with, and it's really just personal peeve: Your last line I think is awesome, but lacks in its placing. To have the poem rest on "It quietens.' seems like a natural point of determination. 'The rain comes in like a slow brink' is also a variation of the first line but I found the poem not long enough to establish this.

I wonder if you could work it into the first line, something like:

--

The rain comes in
like a slow brink
from the mountainside

--

Maybe? I don't know. A thought. Take it leave it whatever. Regardless, this poem gave me pause and a sense of peace that I very much needed.
| Posted on 2009-09-06 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
  This is very beautiful. I can just feel the quietness from reading the words! The way you wrote the verses makes the poem rougher to read in places, although if you took away the spaces it would read very smoothly. Do you think it would work to have two lines for each stanza? Anyhow, thanks for sharing this insightful piece.
-dancer
| Posted on 2009-09-05 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ]

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