i don't agree with the last review at all..there is an ambiance to this piece..i have been in the mountains of vermont...felt this, seen the cows lying in the pasture waiting the storm...or just lying in the steady rain...
and there is a quietness about it all..a peacefulness...even with the "restless emptiness/ and the racing animal mind"
everything is still but the mind races...
you simply painted a scene..
and brought back the quieten...and the rain like a "slow blink"
i like that...rain causes us to blink...the eyes wet..with could be rain or could be tears...
peaceful write. the way it is.
sometimes we just tinker too much and then ruin a good thing...
revision when necessary is good...and useful...but just for the sake of feeling we need to change something...i don't buy it..
last lines leaving it to our imagination how to take that...positively or negatively...good.
1. Baseless poem. Needs a description and some more content.
2. Soft....rather the poem is quiet.
3. Ending has to have some meaning. That is also hopelessly dependent on the reader to imagine.
4. serenity is not always explained but make it more appropriate. It should be perfect calm..At the end the reader should really feel a sense of calm rather than just feel calm.
--If thats the target then the poem is a good start.
Soft is a very apt title. It's exactly what this poem is. I've always enjoyed the meditative quality that poetry can, sometimes, possess, and this holds that so eloquently. It was a pleasure to read, and I even went back to read it again, just to let it settle over me.
I don't agree with the previous review in regard to your stanza set up. I think it reads fine as is. I like how the fourth stanza's repetition of 'bits of' somewhat halts the reader to sort of slow down before reaching that 'It quietens.' I like the pacing there.
One thing I do have a qualm with, and it's really just personal peeve: Your last line I think is awesome, but lacks in its placing. To have the poem rest on "It quietens.' seems like a natural point of determination. 'The rain comes in like a slow brink' is also a variation of the first line but I found the poem not long enough to establish this.
I wonder if you could work it into the first line, something like:
The rain comes in
like a slow brink
from the mountainside
Maybe? I don't know. A thought. Take it leave it whatever. Regardless, this poem gave me pause and a sense of peace that I very much needed.
This is very beautiful. I can just feel the quietness from reading the words! The way you wrote the verses makes the poem rougher to read in places, although if you took away the spaces it would read very smoothly. Do you think it would work to have two lines for each stanza? Anyhow, thanks for sharing this insightful piece.