Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: THE WEIGHT OF STONESdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: hanuman
    ASL Info:    3 score & 10 & some!
    Elite Ratio:    5.99 - 804/1015/239
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 593
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 937



    Description:
       I posted this once before, but I feel it keenly today. Yesterday I took my friend, Quentin, to hospital in Palmerston North, a 400 kilometer round trip. Quentin used to be six foot tall, but now he about 5' 6'' because of his collapsed vertebrae, the result of his main cancer (multiple myeloma). To control this he takes thalidomide and enough methadone to knock out a horse for pain relief. He also has Non-Hodgkinson's lymphoma, which thankfully has gone into remission for a while. For most people that would be quite enough, not to mention his diabetes and asthma. Quentin, however has a third unrelated cancer which is threatening his life. He had an aggressive squamous cell carcinoma removed from his scalp with a 5 cm hole and a skin graft. Unfortunately it has come back, hence the trip to Palmerrston. They told him he will have to have another operation, wider and deeper (8 cm diameter and down to the skull, even removing the top layer of skull bone). I found it distressing listening to the surgeon convey this news. Quentin took it better than I did. You will appreciate the relevance of this poem.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTHE WEIGHT OF STONESdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Life presses his chest with granite,
    Boulder upon smooth grey river stone.
    His breath more shallow drawn,
    His blood running ever colder.

    Stones are the slaves of gravity.
    He feels their awful weight
    Dragging him to singularity,
    Yet this is more real
    Than all his life before.

    “Confess you are but glacial dust.
    This is your terminal moraine.”
    He feels the tearing of his muscles.
    This is the place where sinews part
    And whip crack his tendons snap.

    At the breaking point of bones
    The hyenas will suck your marrow too.
    He is time and care and river worn,
    Tumbled and rumbled in life’s gizzard.
    The spark of spirit is ground down to dust.
    “Confess you are but silica and shale.”

    But listen to that faint last groan,
    “I pray you lay on one more stone.”




    Submitted on 2009-09-06 00:19:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      good evnin'
    hope it doesn't sound too harsh, but your poems context is lowering its lyrical value. you don't leave enough space for further interpretation, though i'm aware that in this case it is not absolutely necesary to do so. i just think that art should be free to have any given sense to the reader, thus an explanation as explicit as yours force the reader to feel like you do, though it is more beautiful to do so without any explanation.
    apart from that, i guess i still have to say you did a good job with this one. a brave thing to say. stones are slaves of gravity. i guess the weight of stones is a splendid metaphor. but its all gravitys fault. i was kinda missing that. you had a lot of that goo stuff in there, you just didn't completely use it. a poem with a lot of potential. use syntax more wisely other than just creating tension through the lenght and the positioning of stanzas. gottfried benn (little aster) or paul celan (death fugue) are always a good example, they knew how and when to place word to create certain moods, emotions or anything else.
    rambling on again, i'm sorry.
    see you around,
    allan
    | Posted on 2009-09-06 00:00:00 | by Jimi James | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    178212

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    The World written by jjd
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry