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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Armageddondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 441
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1050



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsArmageddondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Silently the waves did roll.
    It was the hour death unfolds..
    The hour of the rising
    Of the ghouls..
    Their bodies - decaying..
    Empty of souls..
    A broken foot..
    A severed head..
    Long dead flesh
    No longer red..

    The restless dead
    Gather relentless..
    Watch them march..
    Damned masses..
    Look at all the marching dead
    They are all moving..
    Gathering ahead..
    Their purpose?
    Slay the living!
    Make them dead!
    Hear the silent whispers..
    Moans of dread..

    The dead approach the living
    And start slaying..
    The living fall to their knees
    And start praying..
    The dead laughs loudly
    And continue slaying..

    For the opening
    Of the demon gate
    Has started sealing
    All man's fate..

    The marching dead
    Take the living head-on..
    The end of man is here..
    This is Armageddon.

    -Svw




    Submitted on 2009-09-08 04:55:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I love the concept you had here, but to agree with the previous comment, it was rather cliché and the presentation was a bit lacking. I disagree with him about the description of the dead, though. I'm big on imagery, and the description of the dead was the strongest part of the poem. However, if you were going for trying to describe the Armageddon scene, this didn't do it.

    The scenery was shown through the living dead and the graveyard scene, but I want more background and details when reading this. This is an above average dark poem, but it could have been so much better if maybe you had lengthened the lines and focused a little more on the events unfolding around the damned army as opposed to focusing solely on them. This poem could easily have been named "Zombie Uprising" and had the same meaning as it does now. Right now it reads as an average metal song, one that doesn't focus as much on the lyrics as it does the music. That's all fine and dandy, but it appears that you have more potential than that. I'll be checking back on you and see how your writing comes along.
    | Posted on 2009-09-14 00:00:00 | by FlickerofHope | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok let me just say the idea was there but the presentation was not.

    Cut out the descriptions of the dead, as in limit the cliché touches to what they are, look like and act. Go on more in depth inside the emotions that lead up to what they are, take away the frame of time as if it was not a story and simply project the feeling you wish to convey. It was a good poem, freeformed and natural.

    Just clean it up and limit cliché descriptions.

    Good work, keep trying.

    -Dustin
    | Posted on 2009-09-09 00:00:00 | by HisNameIsNoMore | [ Reply to This ]


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