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    dots Submission Name: Empty Balloonsdots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 170
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 502
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1090


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    dotsEmpty Balloonsdots

    I see them everywhere - little children still learning.
    I see them slowly grow into what they are fed.
    Small minds agape - so hungry, i see them yearning.
    I fear them following darkness or being misled.
    I cannot retain starkness, i love everything sacred.

    I see the product not knowing how it begins.
    Little living pins paying for their father's sins.
    They get steadily ever-readily pushed in line.
    All of them ready to get bowled over in time.
    A different result this time be what i'm asking...
    If given a choice to choose can it end as fine?
    Don't believe it's possible - stop your denying.

    I see them enter the obscure system.
    I percieve them running a great equation.
    I watch them being fed false wisdom.
    I admire the few that deny the sedation.
    I desire a world with a little less crimson.
    I pray for the ones that obey with elation.

    Maybe if i scream i'll wake up from this terrible dream.


    Submitted on 2009-09-08 04:57:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, I understand this a little better today, after learning of your custody battle and Overwhelming Parenthood. I like this... it explains a little more what I guess I see in them. If you say something that turns them against the System, you are scandalized. You must lie to them always, comfort them when they shouldn't be comforted and possibly should be told the truth however horrible, and you later have to endure verbal bull[censored] from them (from what I've seen) for ever lying and trying to protect them in the first place. I daresay I could not endure the 10+ years of constant questions and attention-giving and needs, then have the monster stand up and tell me how I didn't do enough, didn't do it right, how I suck... I would go all Old Testament on their ass and end up in jail for destroying what I spent a lifetime trying to nurture.

    Or worse, it would turn out Emo and listen to bad music all the time and not bathe. I've seen those.
    I know it happens.

    Anyway, I like the poem very much... but the responsibility of doing "right" is just not worth the risks of doing it wrong, to me. This explains why to me like nothing else. Thanks for writing this one.
    | Posted on 2009-09-22 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      The flow went nicely, and does highlight a major flaw of the world today, what with the overprotecting and such that goes on. If you were aiming to match in syllables, which I doubt, you did that for a while, and then... ...dropped.

    Seeing as few ever LOOK at this point, I'd say it's original. I'd personally have little in way of improving it, other than perhaps adding another image or two to the last line to make things look monotone, in a way.

    ...Wait, what am I thinking? The monotony's a flaw of the world too, so the break in verse is a good idea too. Duhr. This is something that's rather nice. Too good to be put in a textbook, in my opinion.
    | Posted on 2009-09-08 00:00:00 | by Omio | [ Reply to This ]

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