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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "Motive"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 165
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 842
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1172



    Description:
       ok i have polished it a bit and removed the "thrice" reference from the line past stanza 1 to improve the flow.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"Motive"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Glancing at the carriages
    as my train caterpillars by,
    I pause silently to see your face.
    Memory of you but a sprout of yesterday.

    It's been a triplet of years since you left.

    They recommended burning
    all the shoeboxes
    where i keep you alive.
    Carefully pushing me along
    to advance,
    progress,
    through this labyrinth,
    this life they call my mess...

    Six revolutions of earth.
    Nostalgia no more transparent.
    Affections paced back and forth
    but none of them as you.

    I digress.

    A decade past your death
    the winter of this reaches blindly.
    We are separate trainwrecks now
    yet your face still haunts each breath.

    -Svw













    Ps. The beginning referral to "train" was written with a double meaning 1. A real train and 2. train of thought.
    also the title implies "Motive" as in train or motive as in the driving force or motive to do something.




    Submitted on 2009-09-10 04:12:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      
    Have you ever heard Vashti Bunyan's 'Train Song'?

    This has already received its due in comments, but I have this certain infatuation with trains and can't help but leave something behind on this.

    This is, simply, a poem easily felt. You have created both a scene and mood that can easily be imagined and related too and so the poem becomes more like a moving picture. It's a great thing to achieve in writing, really. And trains: they have such symbology: they're from the past, y'know? Nostalgic and more....whimsical, but also rustic and hard working.

    They aid this poem well, so that you can say a lot about loss in few words and basically: I like what you've done.

    From the sounds of your journal, you've had a little problem with the fifth line there. I find 'triplet' to be an unattractive word in general, so this might be bias speaking, but what about just 'It's been three years since you left.' -- I realize it's the obvious phrasing and not so poetic, but I believe this line is meant to be blunt in that respect and feel that simplifying it would do it justice.

    A small thought.
    | Posted on 2009-12-05 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, I like this! There are some brilliant lines and imagery in here, especially L2, L6-8 and the final line.

    The passing of the years was a nice touch because although the pain becomes more bearable (or perhaps you just become accustomed to it) you never forget the person or stop missing them.

    I used to spend so much time on trains when I was at university that I learned to love them (not in an anoraky type of way but I find them really peaceful and often do alot of writing on them) so it resonates on many levels for me.
    The train of thought at the begining and the trainwreck at the end reminds me of 'I think therefore I am' and made the poem very rounded for me.

    I definitely see the similarites to 'Untitled' you were referring to, thanks for the comment.

    E x
    | Posted on 2009-11-04 00:00:00 | by EllusiveEmber | [ Reply to This ]
      This is pure poetic tragedy and passion wrapped in one. You can feel the separation of the Loved one and soul binding grief of loss. The passing of time and the hurt that never heals. I have lost many of friends but I only now of that suffering. In places it broke my heart to read

    They recommended burning
    all the shoeboxes
    where i keep you alive


    I do agree with the thrice it made me stumble and felt awkward. Other then that this, for me, was an amazing read and can critique no further but to say

    Six revolutions of earth.
    Nostalgia no more transparent.
    Affections paced back and forth
    but none of them as you


    was beautifully broken and

    yet your face still haunts each breath

    reminds me of a line in one of mine

    'every breath shall bare your name'

    Thank You this was unforgettable

    kelly
    | Posted on 2009-10-02 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is a lovely write. Sad, but lovely. And painfully true.

    'as the train caterpillars by' is beautiful imagery, very evocative of the movement of a train. Original, too :)

    'it's been a year thrice since you left'- I like how this line stands alone, it gives it a certain heaviness, a sadness. A lonely someone counting down the years.

    In v2 I like how you distance yourself from your own advancement, it's almost as though you deny having anything to do with this living business, especially 'this mess they call my life'. Makes me wonder what life is called to you.

    A nitpick, I think v2 would flow better if it read:
    'where I keep you alive,
    carefully pushing me along'
    or maybe a semi-colon, not a comma. Hmm.

    'nostalgia no more transparent'-this was one of my favourite lines, it made me imagine nostalgia as a thickening fog.

    'the winter of this reaches blindly'- do you mean your grieving is going through the seasons? And is in winter now, coming to an end? Or will the process, like the seasons, simply start again? The final line definitely implies this, this carrying on of mourning. That's how I read the last verse.

    This whole write was filled with grief and longing. It was very evocative. Lovely :)

    Aly
    | Posted on 2009-09-30 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this. It almost made me want to cry.
    There was a sense of calm sadness throughout the whole thing. And it worked perfectly.

    "we are separate trainwrecks now" is one of the best lines i've read in quite a while. i knew, from the last thing i've read of yours, that you had creative brilliance, and it really shows here.. through every word.

    i can give you nothing but compliments.

    beautifully done.

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2009-09-14 00:00:00 | by Razor2TheRosary | [ Reply to This ]
      ya I got a shoe box. I know how that is.

    Its sits uncerimoniously in a demure corner of my garage, behind a shelf door- waiting to kill me.

    I really enjoyed this write. I fealt the emotion of it. The hopelessness, though i may have read that in to this, that what I got. I think its there on a level. Loosing something irreplacable.

    I agree w/the thrice criticism. It feels out of place.

    Great write though. Enjoyed it.
    | Posted on 2009-09-13 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]
      Six revolutions of earth.
    Nostalgia no more transparent.
    Affections paced back and forth
    but none of them as you.


    i like this strophe the best - there's a frailty, a sure sadness to it all which bears the stamp of utter truth i look for...

    It's been a year thrice since you left.

    i don't quite understand the syntax-construction of this. "It's been three years since you left" - is that what you mean? merely a personal opinion but a word like "thrice" is rather antiquated... get what i mean? just me with my nitpicky hat on...

    what makes me wonder is the fact you mention three, six and ten - as if you've looked back during these years and formed a composite of these memories... it's all rather mysterious and intriguing.

    what to say? this was definitely an interesting read.
    yup.
    | Posted on 2009-09-13 00:00:00 | by meoww | [ Reply to This ]
       My favorite lines:

    "as my train caterpillars by" (Lovely personification. I actually never thought of a train as a caterpillar).

    "memory of you but a sprout of yesterday."

    "They recommended burning/all the shoeboxes where I keep you alive." (Yes, people keep their loved ones alive in shoeboxes, scrap books, journals, letters, memory, and all the sort. That's all they've got, really. Sometimes, it's best to let them go. Or at least move on but just never forget).

    "Six revolutions of earth." (Perhaps another indication of the passing of time?)

    "Affections paced back and forth"
    "We are separate trainwrecks now"

    "the winter of this reaches blindly." (What is "this?")
    "yet your face still haunts each breath." (Did this person die in winter?)

    In general, this was a pretty good read. It flowed well and gave the reader a taste of the heaviness you bear, but what about making it more intense? It was like you had your guard up, and you didn't want to let the reader in. When you write a poem, you have the perfect opportunity to make people FEEL. There's absolutely no need to hold back at all.

    :)
    -mo-
    | Posted on 2009-09-11 00:00:00 | by mojymo | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is great. Separate trainwrecks. Beautifully phrased. I never cared much for trains, although the rocking is wonderful... the speed is alright, it's that fragile connection with the tracks that worries me. And the federal funding in some of the states for the tracks, which is nill. (I am one of those travelers who will start worrying about a piston under the hood, the revolutions of a motor, and end up screaming halfway through the traffic light to pull over NOW, pull over NOW and let me OUT to vomit on the roadside, because I'm overwhelmed at the intricacies of the movements going on that are unseen to enjoy the smooth ride.) But then I have to kick into the self-destruct mode, and I can climb onto/into anything and wait calmly to explode along with the engine...

    And although this is certainly "Crazy" they all agree, it does NOT qualify ya for a mental disability. Go figure.
    | Posted on 2009-09-10 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]


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