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    dots Submission Name: "Severance"dots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 90
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 714
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 676


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Lapping at my sanity
    She relieved my guards.
    Innuendos spoken in collateral jest
    Now very real.

    Standing dressed as changer of i
    Slipping easily past my tests.
    Links falling freely now.
    Tender chains of trust.

    I dare say she is inside.

    Struggling to add bridge to moat
    I am fighting me.

    Soul-soothed in colloidal unison
    Her intricacy enticing me.
    Taken aback, no ohms left now.
    Scissors sever straightjacket heart.
    She imparts the seeds.

    Resurrected readily for the second take
    I am standing free.


    Submitted on 2009-09-11 03:54:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Wow. This whole piece is almost completely abstact. It moves and twists within my grasp, a little elusive but not quite eager to escape.

    "Tender chains of trust." Trust? Chains? But tender? Makes it sound like trusting someone can be okay to do. Wish I would have known that long ago.

    "Scissors sever straightjacket heart.
    She imparts the seeds." I'm VERY much into mentionings of insanity and sharp objects!! Nummy!!! Also, the straightjacket mentioning has inspired me...Oh dear, mojy! What creation shall be born??

    "I am standing free." Liberating...A line that can stand alone as a poem in itself but added to the end of this one creates an impact not expected.

    | Posted on 2009-12-06 00:00:00 | by mojymo | [ Reply to This ]
      This reminds me of something dark, yet lovely... one of those things Changeling, that becomes what you need. I pick up that same medieval feel mentioned before, in the scissors... I think of those little bodice knives that double as scissors, steel clipping through blindings. Falling in love again is very much like that, I think. Beautiful poem.
    | Posted on 2009-09-15 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      What a gothic take on the whole "new love." I can't say I didn't anticipate it though, reading your other poems was kind of like a predictor. But I like this. It's an interesting kind of unbonding. Really dark and sort of sombre but in a... medieval fashion. I couldn't help but feeling like there were elves or hobbits. I'm not insulting you. I promise. It was just what I was imagining.
    I'm not sure if it was done intentionally, but your cacophonic choice of words makes me feel confused and slightly disturbed when reading it. It's very odd. It works well though- the release from your tension by love is a strange transition so the "sound" of the words adds a nice subconscious feel.
    I should be capitlized (in the sentence "changer of I").
    On the whole, I don't like the "point-form" structure of the poem. Feels more like you're note-taking than experiencing and describing as an actual human being. Like a lot of people who write love poems, you've distanced yourself from the actual emotion and it just doesn't make the writer sound genuinely in love. But, to play devil's advocate with myself, you can't really write a proper poem without taking a step back and observing.
    | Posted on 2009-09-13 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]

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