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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: His Name Is No More: Edit 1dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 75/182/211
    Words: 850
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 688
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 5022



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHis Name Is No More: Edit 1dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Betrayal my friend come close to me,
    let me tell you of the saddest story that is buried deep inside of me.

    Here I stood once before,
    I believe it was a Wednesday but I could never be sure.
    I watched as the coldest wind cast a man into the snow,
    freezing him alive.
    Nothing but a contorted face,
    heart broken and his mind fully deranged.

    There I stood and watched as the sun came out,
    melting away the burdens that beseech his face.
    Giving him a second chance at life.
    But little did I know that it was not with out a price,
    a debt placed on his soul as someone he loved had died.
    He had only loved himself.
    So many secrets and lies come from believing in divinity.
    He scoffed at the thought of being a marionette to someone who he had never seen.
    Faith has many ways of making you believe.

    It was that look in my eyes,
    no wait it was not me that froze and died.
    His name was no more.
    It was a shot in the dark,
    one billion stars crashing into his mind.
    He was finished from the start.
    Just walking along where the sun had once lived for so long,
    a residual heat across that line.
    You could see he knew not of who he was anymore.
    But he felt the pull of his heart,
    all was lost until he could remember who he was.

    "Oh mother, my mother!"

    He cried out so scared.

    "Please protect me from my dreams."

    It was until he seen his reflection,
    on a stream,
    rippling deep with regrets and fears reconfiguring to match this new face he held,
    so deep beneath the skin.

    "Send me to Hell, just reset my life at the start"

    His anger was rising,
    it was a shame he had no clue who I was.
    Just another name logged deep inside his vain eyes,
    pale blue and reflections of memories still stirred,
    making the waters of the mind murky,
    deceptively deep and alluring for the weak.
    He would drown...

    Here I stand,
    let me tell you of that hand reaching out from underneath the freezing waters of days long dead and gone.
    Flowers cast to his name,
    forgotten who I, who he was in youth.

    Am I just another name?
    Just another forgotten face?

    Oh wouldn’t it be easy to, so easy to tell the truth?

    Maybe...

    Melancholy my lovers come a bit closer,
    Please wrap your hands around my throat.
    Force from me these words I wish only to speak once more,
    yet I am just so self obsessed with who he was.

    His name was no more, he forgot it all.
    His name was once loved and adored, he has forsaken it again.
    His name was strong and true, yet his face dies, so pale and blue,
    lacking life, lacking any desire other than to forget who I am.

    His name was no more. It couldn’t be yours.
    His name was no more. It was mistake to share this story with the world.

    Every year on the eve of his birth, he sits and cries, such a desperate failure, to proud and vain to commit suicide.

    "Mother, my mother"

    He once said to me,

    "Please come and release this life from me."

    It was sad, I know.

    "Father, my father"

    He would rest his head in his hands and wish for the consuming depths of the waters again.

    “I know, I know what I did”

    He cried to the blackness of his heart.
    Just trying to contest what was in his mind until the day he came to realize.

    No one will know what dwells deep inside
    Evil men do evil things,
    Tonight I die with no name but he.

    It was that look in your eyes,
    unwelcoming gaze like I am guilty of crimes.
    Still alive he would walk back,
    extending a hand forward, reaching for help.
    No satisfaction in a strong wicked conviction,
    belief is invisible boundaries.
    Flesh and skin crawl,
    screaming a scream built on abuse.
    An invisible hand,
    compelling the soul towards what we think to be right.
    His name was broken,
    tongues now he spoke.
    The minuets that had passed did him in, buried under useless babble, thoughts that curse the day.

    “Mother oh mother, you tarnished my insanity, hopelessly erasing every moment I trust”

    You ripped me apart from with in and today I will be damned if I die.
    Hatred supplies me with the tools, and idea of a knife.
    Tonight he will stand tall.
    No memories to fall.
    His name was spoken once more.
    I remember just who I was.






    Submitted on 2009-09-12 23:06:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Woa ok this is a behemoth of a piece haha ok, first i would change "buried deep inside of me" to "buried deep inside" as you have already referred to the self and need not do so twice.

    "heart broken and his face fully deranged" i would change to "heart broken, face fully deranged" the "and" just seems to impede flow here.

    (beseeched) not "beseech", different tense here.

    "faith has many ways of making you believe" ok this did not make sense to me as faith is believing in something so i cant see how it can make you believe because when you believe you have faith but when you dont have faith then it cannot influence you? Ok i may be wrong on this one haha it just confused me haha.

    "no wait it was not me that froze and died" should be " no wait it was not me (that had frozen) and died", it just flows better this way and sounds better.

    "you could see he did not know of who he was anymore" drop the "of", it makes no sense here.

    "it was until he seen his reflection" should be either "it was(n't) until he (had) seen"or "it was(n't) until he (saw) his reflection". This just makes better sense.

    "he has forsaken it again" should be "he (had) forsaken it again"

    "to(o) proud and vain to commit suicide"

    "evil men do(ing) evil things"

    "tonight i die with no name but (his)"

    "minutes" not "minuets"

    "and (the) idea of a knife"

    Ok sorry for ripping this apart as such i just feel it is a great piece that needs a bit of work and polishing on the flow to come across completely as you intended. I do see great potential here and really did enjoy the piece, just wanted to point out a few things. Thanks for sharing.

    :-)

    -Svw
    | Posted on 2009-09-13 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]


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