I know I shouldn't wonder
but at times I often do.
Do you share with her the little things
that we share between us two.
Are they just as special
as the first time they were done?
Shared only between us
when still we were as one.
I know it shouldn't matter
it shouldn't change the way I feel.
But the little things of ours
were mine and they were real.
I'm sorry that I question
that I have trouble keeping faith.
That hope sometimes forgets me
amd my foundation loses strength.
But in the end I love you
forever I always will.
Little things and all
they're apart of what we feel.
| more about the "foundation" would be good here...|
i kind of agree with the previous comment...although this would make good lyrics for a song ----definitely....
as a poem, yes, maybe stretch it a bit more...metaphorical is always good...direct statement doesn't create as much imagery for us...and doesn't work on the imagination as much as we would like a poem to...
as lyrics...love it...as a poem...could work it a little.
|| Posted on 2011-04-04 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ] || I?m not going to say this isn't touching or anything like that, that would be false and unreasonable. what i will say though, is that no doubt this comes from your heart, all that while it doesnt feel all that original, you know? i mean these are those situations that would usually call for some sort of imagery, or metaphorical statement, none except this were in there|
"That hope sometimes forgets me
amd my foundation loses strength."
just to let you know you have a typo there...
but seriously this was your best line here, i felt it showed us inside of you, i was looking for more lines like that,-- that sort of wording that cuts away part of the outer layer of skin so we can see who you are on the inside.... overall this is pretty good, its sincere... and i guess that s all it really needs to be....
|| Posted on 2009-09-15 00:00:00 | by AeThe Lost Poet | [ Reply to This ] |