Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I'm Notdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lil J
    ASL Info:    22/F
    Elite Ratio:    3.79 - 40/29/38
    Words: 254
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Longing
    Total Views: 50
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1640



    Description:
       a friend & i developed serious feelings for one another... but someone else already had his heart... and his ring


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI'm Notdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The way you laugh, on the phone
    One conversation five hours long
    Tellin me things that you'd only told your friends
    I didn't know you all that well
    But lookin back I'm sure you could tell
    That was the night that I jumped into the deep end

    And I, should've known better than to even try
    'Cause I look at what you've got, it makes me cry
    When I lay awake at night
    Because I realize, you're hapy, I'm not
    I'm not

    Way back when I first met you
    Should've known what I'd get myself into
    Whenever you told me you felt the same
    Whispered words, in the dark
    Is how you won over my heart
    The same one you broke every time you said her name

    And I, should've known better than to even try
    'Cause I look at what you've got, it makes me cry
    When I lay awake at night
    Because I realize, you're hapy, I'm not
    I'm not...

    The girl you thought I was
    Never been the type to fall in love
    Never ever knew that I could feel so complete
    Never gave my heart to anyone else
    But I can't forget the way it felt
    To be swept off my feet...

    And I, should've known better than to even try
    'Cause I look at what you've got, it makes me cry
    When I lay awake at night
    Because I realize, you're hapy, I'm not
    I'm not

    You're happy, you're happy
    And I'm not




    Submitted on 2009-09-16 00:56:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is beautiful is you're looking at it from a lyrical point of view. I really admire the refrain because it is very different from the rest of the poem, and you use fewer lines to say a lot more. Plus I can really relate to your message. For feedback, however, try to incorporate what you did in the refrain into the rest of your piece by making fewer words have a greater impact on the reader. I like the rhyme scheme, for instance, but don't be afraid to use some more expressive words, because you could do so and still make it flow. Nowadays, some words are just used in too many love poems and songs to mean much to anyone, so add some of your own and I think it will be a great piece. Well done!
    | Posted on 2009-09-17 00:00:00 | by Anneboleyn707 | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.