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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Eat me Alive (Belly Full of Words)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jayisademon
    ASL Info:    22/M/SoILL
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 128/78/80
    Words: 192
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 43
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1335



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEat me Alive (Belly Full of Words)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Hey, did you know me?

    I'm so much vice embodied,
    in a leathered skin.

    There's not a drop of virtue
    running through my subtle limbs.

    I'll be martyr for the cause,
    give you somebody to hate.

    Pick me apart with literary teeth,
    I'm not happy with myself,
    unless I'm getting crushed,
    by your adjective jaws.

    Hey, did you know me?
    Kid, I know that you did.

    You watched me while I was sleeping.
    Saw me rolling fetal,
    with a pen in my mouth
    just trying to test my metal.

    With this platter of words,
    I offer up to you,
    a meal to make your stomach turn.

    Darling, digest me faithfully.
    Expel me new.
    Rising from the excrement,
    I want to be reborn for you to scorn.

    Hey, did you know me?

    Prepare a eulogy,
    just to save a little face.
    Born through the sperm,
    and egg.
    I swear I'm not happy unless
    I have to beg...

    For commission,
    For compassion,
    For lust,
    For love,
    For envy.

    Hey, did you know me?

    "I did, the artist that thrived from jealousy."




    Submitted on 2009-09-16 12:28:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Wow...this piece really drew me in right away--I'm glad I wasn't too intimidated by the title to read it :). I love the play on words here, they are so different than a lot of poems I have read, and to top it off you painted a great visual for the reader with all the imagery. "Saw me rolling fetal, with a pen in my mouth...", that was the most powerful line for me. I felt like I could see the essence of a tortured writer attempting to take a stand for himself through the use of words, and having such difficulty doing so because we live in a society that judges actions not words.

    As for feedback, I really would not want you to tamper with it too much. Maybe just take into consideration the shock value that some of the words you used might have and tone them down a little so that readers don't focus on the language instead of the meaning of what you are saying. For instance: "...a little face, born through the sperm and egg...". That line felt a little out of place. It was powerful, but took away from my overall perception of this piece.

    Overall, great job! Very original!
    | Posted on 2009-09-17 00:00:00 | by Anneboleyn707 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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