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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Dopemandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: black_beauty18
    ASL Info:    25/Female/Hutchinson, KS
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 153/146/46
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Legend
    Total Views: 1097
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 895



    Description:
       Dedicated to a man who will never see the harsh reality of his life and refuses to swallow the bitter pill of his "glory days." I know it's rough, the inspiration was there but I had a hard time saying what I wanted to say. Let me know how you feel about it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Dopemandots
    -------------------------------------------


    There goes the Dopeman, with X, pot, and coke galore,
    Here come his clients, eager for what he has in store.
    Those once rich, he quickly made poor,
    Because he made them sell their souls and more.

    Kristin's mommy was sweating for a rock,
    With no money left she put her daughter on the block.
    The drugs ate her conscience so guilt wouldn't knock,
    Her daughter's lost innocence was barely a shock.

    Papa needs medicine, for his heart is sick,
    An addicted thug saw him as an easy pick.
    He barely survived each brutal punch and kick,
    At least that thug could get his fix.

    There goes the Dopeman, his pockets heavy,
    Kristin and Papa were simply his levy.

    Here come his clients, but with nothing left to give,
    The Dopeman cost them their will to live.




    Submitted on 2009-09-17 20:00:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think this is good and would work very well as a set of lyrics. The only verse that seemed too stressed for me was:

    "Papa needs medicine, for his heart is sick,
    An addicted thug saw him as an easy pick.
    He barely survived each brutal punch and kick,
    At least that thug could get his fix."

    I'd suggest
    Papa needs medicine, for his heart is sick,
    Though his health was poor, at least his blood was thick.
    But when an addicted thug saw him as an easy pick
    He barely survived each brutal punch and kick.

    Still not perfect, just a suggestion. I think with a bit more work you could get alot more out of this peice. Well done.
    | Posted on 2009-09-18 00:00:00 | by Sethesin | [ Reply to This ]
      Very strong message. Unfortunately the Dopeman will never be reached by it, but messages of truth and hope might help prevent future dope men. The rhymes work well. All the lines exact rhyme except the one ending in fix. The rhythm also changes on the fix line which made me pause. I read it several times and think the line works well by stressing the words "At least".
    | Posted on 2009-09-18 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]


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