Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Dopemandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: black_beauty18
    ASL Info:    25/Female/Hutchinson, KS
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 153/146/46
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Legend
    Total Views: 936
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 895



    Description:
       Dedicated to a man who will never see the harsh reality of his life and refuses to swallow the bitter pill of his "glory days." I know it's rough, the inspiration was there but I had a hard time saying what I wanted to say. Let me know how you feel about it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Dopemandots
    -------------------------------------------


    There goes the Dopeman, with X, pot, and coke galore,
    Here come his clients, eager for what he has in store.
    Those once rich, he quickly made poor,
    Because he made them sell their souls and more.

    Kristin's mommy was sweating for a rock,
    With no money left she put her daughter on the block.
    The drugs ate her conscience so guilt wouldn't knock,
    Her daughter's lost innocence was barely a shock.

    Papa needs medicine, for his heart is sick,
    An addicted thug saw him as an easy pick.
    He barely survived each brutal punch and kick,
    At least that thug could get his fix.

    There goes the Dopeman, his pockets heavy,
    Kristin and Papa were simply his levy.

    Here come his clients, but with nothing left to give,
    The Dopeman cost them their will to live.




    Submitted on 2009-09-17 20:00:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think this is good and would work very well as a set of lyrics. The only verse that seemed too stressed for me was:

    "Papa needs medicine, for his heart is sick,
    An addicted thug saw him as an easy pick.
    He barely survived each brutal punch and kick,
    At least that thug could get his fix."

    I'd suggest
    Papa needs medicine, for his heart is sick,
    Though his health was poor, at least his blood was thick.
    But when an addicted thug saw him as an easy pick
    He barely survived each brutal punch and kick.

    Still not perfect, just a suggestion. I think with a bit more work you could get alot more out of this peice. Well done.
    | Posted on 2009-09-18 00:00:00 | by Sethesin | [ Reply to This ]
      Very strong message. Unfortunately the Dopeman will never be reached by it, but messages of truth and hope might help prevent future dope men. The rhymes work well. All the lines exact rhyme except the one ending in fix. The rhythm also changes on the fix line which made me pause. I read it several times and think the line works well by stressing the words "At least".
    | Posted on 2009-09-18 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    178607

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Records I written by Raphael
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Cover written by saartha
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Love written by saartha
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry