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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Bystanderdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: coloredstone
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 99/60/37
    Words: 149
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Misc
    Total Views: 271
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 839



    Description:
       keep guessing


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    dotsThe Bystanderdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Little Cherry Iíve watched you sprout from a little seed
    And grow and grow in the sun and rain
    Till you were five feet, as tall as me and as small as me
    Iíve seen you stand at the garden gate and just watch and wait
    Bystander you are and bystander you have always been
    I wonder if you could go to a new land like me would you change?
    Would you grow your first cherry bigger than a berry?
    Would you let me swing from a branch without breaking?
    Would you sing a new song in the autumn breeze?
    Would you plant yourself in the soil and grow
    A town on your shoulders?
    Would you grow to be a mighty giant oak with tales to tell
    And tales told, of victory, accomplishment and defeat?

    Or would you forever and always be a by standing tree?




    Submitted on 2009-09-18 07:37:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      
    Excellent! Spectacular! I wish that when that little cherry leaves she becomes the biggest oak tree EvERRR!

    Fana
    | Posted on 2009-10-07 00:00:00 | by BusterLILblock | [ Reply to This ]
      

    hello. i know you didn't ask for an in-depth review, but i thought i'd give it a go. take what you like and leave the rest, as always


    The little cherry post stood among the grass
    Watching and watching whatever goes by
    A bystander it is, a bystander its been all it life
    But I wonder, will a new land change you?


    here, you switch from third to second person. i would recommend sticking to only one. not only does it not make sense, but it is confusing to the reader (if there's any difference between those things har har).

    Will you be part of a climbing gym for kids who like to play?
    Will you become a part of a bat that serves in many ways?


    hm... how many ways can a bat serve, really? unless you count bashing the kneecaps of home invaders... it feels like you put this line in to rhyme with "play."

    Will you become a shelf, and carry wisdom and keep it safe?

    you could definitely condense the language her, to get rid of the extra words. for example--

    a shelf, carrying wisdom, keeping it safe?

    ... in my opinion, the repetition of "will you" doesn't lend anything to the poem. also, with the general condensation of words: you aren't writing prose, so it's okay to be grammatically inaccurate, to a point. as long as it serves the poem better.

    Or will you be a bystander forever and always...?

    this feels like a pat ending. like you just wanted a sensible line to end your poem.



    there are also a few grammatical/punctuation things, but you can comb through on your own.

    what i'm wondering is, what are you trying to get at here? i think the first line is a great image. but i would love to see you getting away from the subject. what makes a poem extraordinary is not your thoughts or descriptions, but your movement, and your thought patterns. it might bruise your ego a little, but you aren't the first to wonder about a tree's future, nor will you be the last.

    instead, explore what this tree/post means... or what makes it significant to you and your experiences. was it the first place you kissed jonny or joanie? is your grandfather buried there? etc...

    try to think of poems as journeys. this one is circling the post. maybe explore a little bit more than you do.

    xo
    rachel
    | Posted on 2009-09-18 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]


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