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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mercury Nightsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JoelIsHere
    ASL Info:    21/ Male/ Indiana
    Elite Ratio:    3.2 - 8/27/28
    Words: 124
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 524
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 828



    Description:
       Part three of the Sleepless Halloween Series.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMercury Nightsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    ~Mercury Nights~

    And with that the Soldier stood alone,
    Multitudes felled by his bloodstained hands.

    As the Scarlet Water dripped from his battle scarred fingertips,
    The soldier wiped the sweat from his bloody brow.

    Staring across the corpse-ridden plains,
    The soldier exclaimed to his Mounted Enemies,
    “Nothing you do will stop my Wrath,
    Not so long as my Days flow like Mud and my Nights like Mercury!”

    His Heralding eye,
    Watching warily for a sign of a Violent Outburst,
    Seemingly sighed in relief when the Equestrians turned about,
    Conveying the exhaustion of his Master.
    An exhaustion that was sure to come, when your Days flow like Mud,
    And your Nights move swifter than Mercury.




    Submitted on 2009-09-21 09:14:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You are getting some experience from games (and history) that cost some others their sanity ... by which I mean, this soldier is a fine character and only superficially belongs in comix!

    I agree with everything the other commentator (below) has written.

    The scenery is dramatized or artificial: it is for a movie or a game or an illustrated book. This is probably a good habit, because real soldiers who bring real scenes back from real wars often write about that, but their stuff is often so natural that the reader just needs to puke, and remembers nothing more complicated than that!

    (Gonna read all of your poems here, but will spare you any more comments! Somebody rebuked me, once, for doing too many comments all at once.)

    | Posted on 2009-12-07 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm...you use good descriptive words : mercury, heralding, multitudes, violent outbursts. Powerful wording right there. And, what poet doesn't know that powerful wording makes or breaks poetry? I've got to ask ..what's with the random capitalization? Emphasis? Hm. It's not poorly used. I'm just curious.


    The soldier...hm. He's a vicious guy, innit he? Nicely portrayed. Not a bad guy, just a good soldier perhaps.


    Honestly, it's a little confusing to make out where you're going where you want the reader to take this sometimes. Not in this one. Part two was the most confusing, in my opinion.


    I like the repeat at the end. At first, I wasn't sure I did, but, y'know, it kind of ties it all together nice and neat.


    The whole thing has a jagged air to it.


    This seems like it'd be a good story.

    <3 Sweets
    | Posted on 2009-09-23 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]


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