First Year by Raphael

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Submission Name: First Year dots

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Author:	Raphael
ASL Info:	20/Masculine/Eire
Elite Ratio:	8 - 652/306/135
Words:	65

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	116
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	404

Description:
Would welcome any comments, I haven't done much writing lately but this is something new. It probably doesn't seem like it but I spent an unusual amount of time on this.

First Year dots

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I recall shuffling side-ways, with my back right up against the wall.

I remember their scant black jumpers, as they barked like rottweillers through-out the assembly hall.

I remember trying so very hard to get inside her circle, seeking dulcet tones beneath a beach parasol.

At once began to sit there for hours, just whiling away the dull moments of the day.

Submitted on 2009-09-21 18:18:06 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I think the last bit, the omission of I, just makes this poem fun for anybody who likes to play with words.

On that note this idiotic concoction crossed my mind:

Remember trying so very hard I to get inside her circle,

I spy a little perversion. I figure it (the omission) also adds to the perhaps distinction between two times. The last lines could be about the past, or about the present. I also think poets can relate to this poem as a symmetrical story of their own pursuit of 'her' (or 'him,' although I've never heard a girl call her poems that).

Other idiotic notes:
I recall shuffling side-ways, with my back upright against the sidewall.

and:
At once began to sit there for hours, just whiling away the dull moments of the sideral day.

la-di-da. Please do not fondle me, ever.

ps. scrap it all if you were writing in iambs or some such, which I just fail at recognizing.
| Posted on 2009-09-23 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
  its a strange feeling but im not even sure why i like this so much. i think because its simple but it conjures up all kinds of scenes and emotions. butterflied adrenaline rushes, wanting to punch yourself for dreaming, letting it ache, ha and then remembering hours/days/years later and dreaming again. it was a common topic written with flare and made your own. thats the difference between any ol kid with a pen and a poet. basically, well done.
| Posted on 2009-09-22 00:00:00 | by Theophilus | [ Reply to This ]
  Quick thought here about line breaks:
--

I recall shuffling side-ways,
with my back right up against the wall.

I remember their scant black jumpers, as they barked
like rottweillers through-out the assembly hall.

I remember trying so very hard to get inside her circle,
seeking dulcet tones beneath a beach parasol.

At once began to sit there for hours,
just whiling away the dull moments of the day.

--

Though short in stature, this conjures up quite a bit of imagery. Almost like short indie-clip (in my mind anyway) and then the tone is so...sweet and strained, really. Makes me think of a first crush and the (attempted) consummation of. I think it's a bit awkward for everyone...though that said I don't remember my first crush.

To throw my two cents in about the 'At once began' bit: I like it too, but don't think it'd make a huge difference if you altered the phrasing or left it as is.

Really, just the line breaks needed...well, breaking. In my opinion.

| Posted on 2009-09-22 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
  Interesting piece, rather original concept. I enjoyed the lines as mentioned by previous commentary yet there are a few things i would change about this:
The repeating of "I remember", i would use it in the first stanza and rephrase it for the second and third(this is just me) because i feel each stanza should have its own identity or character that stands out, once again this is just personal preference but it still delivers the message nicely.

In the final lines "At once began to sit there for hours" maybe i'm missing something but didn't you maybe mean "At once [I] began to sit there for hours"? Or is this not what you meant at all? Anyways i think this piece was short and powerful in its own way, like you said all you wanted to and that was it, no superficial elaborations or stretched out explanations and as you say "no clichés" hehe.

:-)

-Svw
| Posted on 2009-09-22 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
  Cheerleader fantasies... I don't get them, but being a girl, cheerleaders make me want to injure them, not [censored] them.

Crash Into Me comes to mind, only the feel of the song, which this has the same feel... shy boy, girl is the shimmery dream-touch away that never happens. I like the "barking" reference. I like the parasol reference.

But I especially love the last line. "At once began to sit there for hours..." If anything, I might capitalize the word "once" to emphasize it as a happening transcending time, if I am reading it right, and not just a lazy lack-I statement. ie, Just went to the store and bought beer. At once made my bed and went to sleep, etc.

And if that's not what you meant, well, dare say I that you should have? How presumptuous is THAT of me??? But I like "At Once began..." I am weird like that, tho.
| Posted on 2009-09-21 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]

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