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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "Course To Die"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 392
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 951



    Description:
       I am busy with a child custody case that my ex is unaware of, i have 10 months of accumulated evidence that she is negligent. I write this as the sheriff is on his way to deliver the court letter stating my case to her. She really is going to hate me for this but alas my son's wellbeing is top priority.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"Course To Die"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Silenced by solemnity i sit,
    knowing the bombs will drop soon.
    Everything will change
    as reality coughs up the phlegm
    to absolve this caustic cage of life
    i percieve as truth.

    I should be smiling
    yet there is remorse.

    A few hundred passings of sun
    i spent, assembling this attack,
    so beautiful and rigid
    like a shiny scythe readied to reap.
    To repair.

    Blackened by fabrications
    i ready myself for victory
    over a war i never wished to wage,
    this vessel of pain
    i do not pray to share
    but obligation impales me.

    Time to erase your anchor
    and release your foundation.
    I am sorry
    for this fist of splinters you have to eat,
    it's just the way things are,
    nothing personal.

    Now bleed.

    -Svw




    Submitted on 2009-09-22 05:31:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Do what you gotta! (I'm glad it all worked out for you) The piece itself is relateable, not in the sense that everyone's going through custody battles and such, but in the everyone everywhere loves war sense. Humankind, as a whole, loves war. Period end of sentence, X marks the spot, yadayadayada. And I'm a pacifist...
    I think the strongest line for me is the opening, "Silenced by solemnity i sit, knowing the bombs will drop soon." It's just so ominous!! And there's a healthy respect for what you had done. In a perfect world everyone would know the gravity of every choice they made.
    And last but not least, the guilt in the work, (and I may be wrong) feels sooooo out of place. I feel you should have enjoyed striking the blow that killed your ex's case. And if that was the case then you should have reflected it in the piece. But, hey that's just me!!

    ~Carrie

    | Posted on 2009-10-22 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]
      I have read the description and this makes a bit more sense. My comment seems really out of context now but I guess I can stand by what I thought it was without the description. Sometimes you need to think about poems a little more, I took for granted you were trying to sound a certain way but in retrospect you were deadly serious. This is a good enough poem, one doesn't know quite how to feel about the people in question because we don't know the full story, but this is an admirable attempt a telling your side of it. Would it be more confusing without a description? Probably, but I'll not deny it seems to take on new light now, still not stellar work but it's much more likeable when I see how involved you are. I was wrong in saying it must have been fun to write, it was probably difficult, but you took enough care with it. Well done.

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2009-09-27 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      All battles bring down innocent and guilty alike... it doesn't matter, it's war, that's what war IS. You should enjoy it... she certainly would. (Speaking as a woman, I assure you... she would. We love to win.)

    As long as you're ready for Jr., then it's all good regardless. I've watched people wage wars for less reasons for the kids, just out of spite, and win... then they sit there with this dumb-founded after-gloat wearing off, while Jr. spits out 1,000 questions per hour ranging from, Why is the sky blue and not blue at night? to Why isn't there any orange juice? and only THEN do they realize... Holy [censored], I'm stuck with Jr. now!

    And the 1,000 questions per hour eating through your ears like cancer. It's not like you can NOT answer, it's a relentless horrible monkey-chatter that doesn't stop due to indifference, angry tones, and dare not slap it out of their mouths, they will then scream incoherently for hours afterwards and you won't achieve peace.

    I like the poem, I just don't like children. I'm not wired for them mentally. They bother me.
    | Posted on 2009-09-22 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      yes i thought this was great. i agree, i thought it was one of your best. it tells the story perfectly, the victory is bittersweet. you want to celebrate but theres an irrational guilt holding you back. maybe i havent experienced this situation but this poem spoke well to describe the conflicting emotions and made it seem almost like i have felt something similar? ha. this poem speaks with courage and i loved it.
    | Posted on 2009-09-22 00:00:00 | by Theophilus | [ Reply to This ]
      One of your better writings I would say. It's not very rellevent, or what I mean is, the reader who puts it under scrutiny will find little to relate to. But for all it's little clichés I won't deny it was fun to read and probably to write. I liked your structure, the fact that you didn't use much repetition and the cliché parts such as "nothing personal" "but obligation impales me", etc etc add to the poem rather than take away from it, in some ways making it seem more like lyrics to a metal song rather than poetry, but thats okay. This is not a good poem per say, but it's an interesting piece of writing sheerly because of the odd images you seem to stumble across, it has charicter and seems to be an improvement on some of your other writes.

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2009-09-22 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


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