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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Harlotdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Algol46
    ASL Info:    200/m/East of Eden
    Elite Ratio:    2.72 - 1111/1235/613
    Words: 197
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 571
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1202



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Harlotdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Near harlots on the broad arcade
    Under a sad and sickle moon,
    I walk past fanes that seem dismayed,
    The night wind sighs a subtle rune.

    The harlots grab my sleeve and squeal,
    While their pale necklaces of jade
    Shake as the risen stars reveal
    Their ashy faces half afraid.

    They curse me, acting so betrayed,
    As one bold girl she takes my arm,
    And walks me to the shadowed shade,
    Her touch is firm yet light and warm.

    You are a man both sad and strong,
    She whispered while the alders swayed,
    Let me love you till the dawn,
    Beyond the fane, down in the glade.

    I’ll sing you one soft serenade,
    I am a Siren some men say,
    My love is real, and no charade,
    Now be my hero, this I pray!

    And I was helpless as a child,
    She led me on, this fallen maid,
    Her eyes were blue and huge and wild,
    She kissed me past the colonnade.

    The dawn came and my purse she took,
    Yet I cared nothing but surveyed
    The dewy grass. My body shook,
    Then down upon my knees I prayed.





    Submitted on 2009-09-23 13:17:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Beautiful, just [censored] beautiful. Every line, every stanza. Perfect in every way i would like to think!
    | Posted on 2009-09-24 00:00:00 | by KindredSpirit | [ Reply to This ]
      By Golly, was I surprised to check the new writings and find a post by you. I gotta say, partner, that the place ain't the same when you're not here! Thanks for coming by and leaving this jewel for us!

    Aaaah, the allure of the ladies is overpowering to us mere men, even be they harlots!

    The whole poem is fabulous, with a delightful story, perfect rhyme scheme, and great structure! I especially liked:

    "And I was helpless as a child,
    She led me on, this fallen maid,
    Her eyes were blue and huge and wild,
    She kissed me past the colonnade."

    Outstanding and delightful poem, and great fun to read!

    More please!!!!!


    | Posted on 2009-09-23 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      Near harlots on the broad arcade

    I think designating them as harlots is too definitive, let the reader surmise that from the rest of the poem. It’s already there in the title

    Under a sad and sickle moon,
    I walk past fanes that seem dismayed,
    The night wind sighs a subtle rune.

    The harlots grab my sleeve and squeal,
    While their pale necklaces of jade
    Shake as the risen stars reveal
    Their ashy faces half afraid.

    They curse me, acting so betrayed,
    As one bold girl she takes my arm,

    “she” is padding and the inversion makes the line read awkwardly
    you could try “when one girl boldly takes my arm”

    And walks me to the [shadowed shade,] --redundant
    Her touch is firm yet light and warm.

    ”You are a man both sad and strong,”

    This line requires quotation marks around it
    as do the last two in this stanza and the following stanza.

    She whispered, while the alders swayed,
    ”Let me love you till the dawn,
    Beyond the fane, down in the glade.

    I’ll sing you one soft serenade,
    I am a Siren some men say,
    My love is real, and no charade,
    Now be my hero, this I pray!”

    And I was helpless as a child,
    She led me on, this fallen maid,
    Her eyes were blue and huge and wild,
    She kissed me past the colonnade.

    The dawn came and my purse she took,
    This line is also awkwardly inverted

    Yet I cared nothing but surveyed
    The dewy grass. My body shook,
    Then down upon my knees I prayed.

    The ending for me is too unfinished in that it’s not really clear what N is praying for .
    Other than those few issues I enjoyed it.
    Chris

    PS what are fanes?
    | Posted on 2009-09-23 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]


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