Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Delicate Illumination: After Sunset

Author: MidnightSun89
ASL Info:    21/M/N.M
Elite Ratio:    6.45 - 63 /31 /27
Words: 168
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1607
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 990


"He saw very clearly how all his life led to this one moment and all after led nowhere at all." -C.M

Delicate Illumination: After Sunset

Curious lights from somewhere play upon the faces of them we can’t forget.Surrender yourself to me. And wilt with the limits set upon us that torture.If you live by your heart you will die by your heart. Hearts mutate.

Galaxies intertwine in a million colors. Blue suns burst with energy to catch your beautiful eyes.The sound of it is silence. The sight, catapults of neon streaks and a chrome eye dilated.This was heaven once. Now there is another heaven, and another hell.

On cold stone walls we cast our shadows. Where we married the past with the future.Pale vapors in the gloom, where I know your heart still beats. A sound each second.The world was made with aching loveliness. Everything falls from it.

I kept the end of the story with me. What happened before trembled to dust.Is this Goodbye or Goodnight? What does love leave beauty with when its over?Dark secrets lie to you in their silent keeping. May God steal my heart.

Submitted on 2009-09-25 04:14:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  .If you live by your heart you will die by your heart. Hearts mutate.

I will drink to that. Drink what, I don't know.

The quote you have in your description is something to keep in mind while reading this. Something so spectacular and breath-taking can happen to you and once it's gone, it's gone and there's really only remnants. And even those, after a while and more things coming and going, lose their value and become just part of a few days in a lifetime. Like you had said: What does love leave beauty with when its over?

I'd try to keep the punctuation a little more consistent and not so choppy. Unlike Ghad, I don't see this as four different poems but really as four different frames and angles and places where love happened and love evolved, and then it succumbed to its usual heartbreak and confusion.

On a very, very emo side, there's a song on AFI's album Sing the Sorrow called "But Home is Nowhere." It's 15 minutes but there's 3 tracks included, and one is a spoke word thing. It's talking about the end of the world/romance and the voices get older and older, until death/the end of love. It's a very eerie poem.

You've definitely filtered your emotions and made them a lot more picturesque and sculpted, which is a plus because most of the time people just like to use one metaphor and drain it of life.

Great work.
| Posted on 2010-07-15 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]
  truly a piece worth favoriting.

im not convinced about the edit, i think the way you wrote it has different meanings to the edit.

the first part is my absolute favorite. and i call it pure brilliance.

sometimes people write things, and they dont tend to make sense. its a whole bunch of sentences structured beautifully that make no sense at all.
but that.
thats pure pure brilliance.

and its true. hearts mutate.


| Posted on 2009-09-29 00:00:00 | by MysterydarkPoet | [ Reply to This ]
  This is like 4 separate poems put together in such a way that they kind of tie into each other.
I like the imagery. But, is this about love or the sunset, or getting some love during the sunset? A few things I’d change are some of your wording choices. The words themselves are great, they are your thoughts. But the flow would work better with some retooling.

I kind of rewrote the third part, don’t know if it helps but I think it sounds better

*Our shadows cast on cold stone walls
Where the past and future married
Pale vapors in the gloom
Proved to me your heart beats for each second
Screaming this world was made
With an aching love for everything*

keep it up.
| Posted on 2009-09-25 00:00:00 | by ghad | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?