The Broken Samaritan

Author: Jazzy ASL Info:    20/f/USA Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 90 /221 /227 Words: 112

Class/Type: Poetry /Misc Total Views: 1139 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 659

Description:

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The Broken Samaritan

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Her eyes entangled with my own, As she conveyed her spiritual malaise, Wishing me to hear her, as though the Words were dripping from her mouth. But they weren’t It was worse even than that. She was screaming at me from The depths of her insides I wanted to just pull over to the Side of the road, and let that Ambulance go by. But I couldn’t, I had to wait in My own wreck for her to come And save me. Only eyes filled with suffering Can see eyes filled with suffering. No matter how badly they want to escape.

Submitted on 2009-09-25 11:19:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Oh Miss Jazzy... I'm glad to see you're still around. As for your poem, it's in this weird realm of being awesome but not quite done, I think. Here are my opinions, which are by no means gospel. I know you didn't ask for a line-by-line review, but here you go: Her eyes entangled with my own, As she conveyed her spiritual malaise, Wishing me to hear her, as though the Words were dripping from her mouth. Is 'entangled' the right word here? 'Tangled' seems more fitting, or "Her eyes were entangled with my own," though the second one seems a bit too wordy, in my opinion. "Conveyed" seems too... official? Something about it is businesslike, and I don't think it fits the tone. Also, on one hand, I like that you use 'malaise' to describe her spiritual situation, but as it's a physical thing, I'm not sure the tension there works. I don't know about the words dripping from her mouth, as well as her eyes, and then later on, the depth of her insides... try for some constance and But they weren’t It was worse even than that. Hmmmmm.... I don't know about these lines. I think your next few lines show this better than these two lines are telling. She was screaming at me from The depths of her insides I wanted to just pull over to the Side of the road, and let that Ambulance go by. Okay. HERE is where I got interested. The idea of the ambulance works on a few levels, I think. The physical level where the ambulance is speeding to destruction, and then maybe as a metaphor or a symbol for calamity. I like that you specify "that ambulance" not just "the" or "an ambulance." Really, it works well. (the 'just' is only mudding up the flow, i think) But I couldn’t, I had to wait in My own wreck for her to come And save me. Again, here, you negate it... as with the "but they weren't" lines, I think this is ineffective. I would get rid of "But I couldn't" and start this section at "I had to wait in..." Only eyes filled with suffering Can see eyes filled with suffering. No matter how badly they want to escape. This is powerful, but the last line is somewhat... meh... It ties into the previous part about being stuck and waiting, but I don't think it expresses its ideas as strongly. Again--try to show it, and not tell it. Or, as is the case in the first part of the poem: continue to show it, but don't negate it with telling, like you do in the last 3 lines. And the title... I see the constants, but I'm not 100% sure the idea of the Samaritan comes through. I take it that the first person subject is the broken Samaritan. But there's not enough, in my opinion, to fulfill the connection. However--it does bring to mind that facet, so maybe it doesn't need the poem to back it up, as we already are mindful of the story. (i like to cover both sides of arguments. i also have decision-making issues. sorry ) Overall, I think you have some powerful images here that could use some touching up, but are on their way. You might want to consider taking out the extra language, to make it more fluid and poetic (poetry is great because grammar, 80% of the time, is irrelevant). I'm glad to see you're still writing. You've grown a lot from when you first came to this site (from what I remember) Rachel

| Posted on 2009-09-28 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]

Very spirtitual. I do not neccessarily believe that "only the condemned can save you". That seems more like an emo type of line than you need. It is a beautiful work and I don't really think you need a description. I like the connotation with the wreck and the ambulance. It was a good description of the way life can sometimes become. Especially during teenage years. Life seems to "suck the worst" during those crucial years of high school and teenagehood. There was a lot of feeling in this poem. It seems to be a depressing/angst sort of poem. I wrote many of these during my high school career. I know how it can suck sometimes. All you can try to do is hold your head up. In life you should really only lean on yourself and learn to take care of yourself. If it is just you relying on you then you can never be hurt by anyone else, can you? Overall, it was a good poem. Keep writing.

| Posted on 2009-09-25 00:00:00 | by BeautifulSoul | [ Reply to This ]

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