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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: On Blocks dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: silverpen
    ASL Info:    16/F/Right Behind You
    Elite Ratio:    3.47 - 16/34/31
    Words: 289
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 38
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1751



    Description:
       It's a song. o.o
    First two paragraphs are a verse.
    The two lines after that are a bridge.
    The next long bit is the chorus.
    The next two paragraphs are a verse.
    Then a new bridge.
    Here is where I would repeat the chorus, but didn't for it being a poem's sake. xD
    Then next is the end part of the song. I guess it's another verse. :D

    Anyways, enjoy, and.. yep!



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOn Blocks dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Fight the pain as it consumes you
    Burn the rain before it soaks you
    This ain’t the way to live in this place
    My heart stopped beating.

    Dull the knife after it cuts you
    Tame the dog so he won’t bite you
    This ain’t the way to feel in this place
    Yeah, my lungs stopped breathing.

    I can hardly say that I hate this place
    But somehow I’m slowly drifting away.

    This isn’t my home, no I don’t feel alone,
    I just know that there is no more help for me
    I’m a car with scratched up chrome,
    Broken wheels and a slashed horn
    No shocks, on blocks, radio goes tick-tock
    In so many directions, I’m feeling inflections
    They hide my own intentions.

    Heal the wounds so they won’t kill you
    Crack the rock before it trips you
    Don’t let the people see your face
    My feet stopped moving.

    Breathe the smoke that will seduce you
    Drink the death that can entice you
    Did you see the look all over my face?
    My nerves stopped feeling.

    Now that the end is dressed in pink,
    My body’s slowly gonna sink.

    We’re all about to fall, it’s been carved into the wall
    You don’t hear the screams of souls at all
    Take one last step across the parapet
    I’m on the street whispering,
    ‘This is it. This is it.’
    You’re an electrical outlet bein’ stuck with a pin
    Crying out for someone to let you in
    You’re a million dollar check
    Without a name on the line
    No, neither of us will ever be fine.
    But I’ll pretend, darling,
    As the clock gets choked on time.





    Submitted on 2009-09-26 22:40:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ok the beginning did not do it for me, the first few stanzas were a bit dull, lifeless if i can say that but the last half or so of the piece really came alive for me and really pulled me in, it totally improved from there and the final stanza was the best, there i could really feel what was being said. So to round it off id say revise the beginning and refine it a bit to fit in with the greatness of the rest and you would have a balanced piece.

    :-)

    -Svw
    | Posted on 2009-10-04 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]


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