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    dots Submission Name: Atonementdots

    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 67
    Class/Type: Misc/Serious
    Total Views: 587
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 445

       As a poem, I think this is pretty poor. It's more musings set to a semi-haiku structure. Even then, the musings are fairly poorly fleshed out.

    Background: it's Yom Kippur (Jewish day of Atonement, probably the holiest day of the year) and I decided not to go to synagogue. Parents were disappointed, but encouraged me to 'reflect' rather than ignore it completely. I guess these are my reflections, influenced a little by absurdism.

    Picture taken from http://averyhenderson.wordpress.com/2009/05/27/most-massive-black-hole-discovered-so-far/. I'm not sure which artist depicted it, but yeah.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    In your gravity
    I find alienation
    not humility.

    When I watch the world,
    lost in its indifference,
    your force pulls me
    from this absurd space.
    Beyond the black horizon,
    but into a void.

    If I stand accused,
    I will not ask atonement
    for my nothingness.

    This is my amends:
    to pilot my own true course;
    to fly, not to drift.

    Submitted on 2009-09-27 23:31:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      For the life of me, I can't comprehend a religion based on some lamp oil... I've had tealights that were good for a 4-hour burn last 10 sometimes, I never saw holy anything in it other than, lots of fat in that wax today.

    With that said, Atonement Day... how dreary. Always saying Sorry because we are animalistic in our needs and urges... always we are Sorry that we aren't like our brave, noble Gods...

    Who aren't around when needed... ever seen one show up at an accident scene? Clean up the after-math of a motorcycle wreck? Ever had one lend you a few bucks when you were short at the cash register?

    Yet, we should be more like God in every way we can. Ok. I stayed home today and thought about the World. I didn't do anything to better it, but I sent it good vibes and hoped it would get its [censored] together in time.... OH MY GOSH, I'M JUST LIKE GOD NOW AREN"T I????

    I like your poem... never drift. Never be pulled... Unless you just don't care at all where you'll be.
    | Posted on 2009-09-29 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey i like this, it was powerful in it's own sense, i feel that there ws a lot of things said here that weave into the bigger picture. Also the haikus give me a sense of formalaic structure to things that kind of shows me of a way things progress naturaly and with form. This was a cool piece, i liked it and although it was a bit scrawny i have to say it did fairly well for a lightweight piece. Thanks for sharing.


    | Posted on 2009-09-28 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      flesh this motherfucker out. as you say in your description, so i'll agree that you need more meat on these bones. also, why not just name this 'Yom Kippur'? you speak of atonement in the poem already - using this as a title reflects back upon this and also gives it a more personal twist, yeah?

    interesting, how you weave judaism and astronomically-inflected meanings into this - but i do feel there's still much to be explored here (pardon the lame pun - but aren't all puns lame by their very definition?)...

    it's 1.11am here. i'm too tired to go on.
    sorry for the lame review.
    just some immediate thoughts.
    | Posted on 2009-09-28 00:00:00 | by meoww | [ Reply to This ]

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