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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Immutabledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 52
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 593
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 407



    Description:
       The issue of physicality in society.

    aka Sometimes self-awareness was not the best idea ever.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsImmutabledots
    -------------------------------------------


    We take happiness from without
    like a coat, donned in opposition
    of internalism.

    Push away
    thought's lightless hum,
    the desultory sprawling veins.

    In search of quiet equilibrium,
    we estrange ourselves
    from ourselves,

    all shot through
    like embroidered cloth
    with the shivering filaments of sorrow.




    Submitted on 2009-09-30 10:47:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is good. And you say you don't do much on the working of poems, much, past posting. And it's an old one.

    In your newer work there is less wastage. or maybe that it's more present.

    This is good, yes, but it's also like explanation for want of a poem and this comes down to presentation;

    I understand you are working with complex theme
    and that the adjustment of that is likely to bugger up intent, still...


    We take happiness. from without.
    a coat, donned in opposition
    of internalism.

    So, excusing the eccentricities of my punctuation, I reckon that tightens that up a bit and makes it more immediate.

    Push away.
    light's thoughtless hum.
    the desultory of sprawling veins.

    That's 2 (and I reckon you could do that the whole way through). Again, this is a bit backwards because your work has already progressed. But, I don't see that as a reason why you shouldn't pick some of it up
    and carry it along with you. Again, this is not me telling you what to do, you are already abundantly capable.
    A bit of blather because i like the poem.
    | Posted on 2012-02-25 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      "all shot through" has got to be one of the greatest phrases ever. I'm pretty sure I've used it at least once.

    Sometimes I like to think I'm self-aware. Maybe I'm just fooling myself.

    I wouldn't say it's the best idea ever, but I will say that it probably is important to be self-aware.

    Sometimes I think I'm an AI gone wrong.

    "filaments" --> robot --> AI. HEY, MAYBE I'M ONTO SOMETHING?

    ~Asia
    | Posted on 2009-12-02 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]
      Im making a big leap here with my less than nimble mind's interpretation of your work. let me work through first:

    -issue of physicality in society? are you speaking of our new found forward prescence, the need to be noticed by all, take part in all, make an impact to all?

    -self awareness is bad? knowing self is considered necessary in finding one's purpose, for having a balanced lifestyle and self esteem. in general isnt self awareness a sort of enlightment, and usually enlightment is good?

    -first stanza speaks of people taking from the material world to give their innerself an identity, talking about materialism?

    -second stanza: are we ignoring our brain's capacity for original thought as no different than the hum from the heating vent? as well as the blood flowing through veins, the lifeforce, or natural physical self is no longer our motivator?

    -third stanza: we are hiding ourselves from ourselves to seek balance? actually that kind of works. example: ourselves subtracted from ourselves equals zero which is? a very balanced, rational, understandable number. but....if that equals nothing which zero is, does that mean our society is basically worthless?

    -fourth stanza: weaved together, us materialistic, brainless, bloodless, worthless individuals still wonder why are we not happy?

    my analysis: this is a very cynical view point, almost too calculated and with out any connecting metaphors between the lines to link the peice together, except for the sheer negative aspect of society. i think there is more hope in mankind, but your statement are all true, each person has fallen to each of those crimes. guilty we stand together.

    it was an interestng write, and though im not sure if my feedback made any sense or it was helpful, i was happy to give it.

    thanks,

    Ash
    | Posted on 2009-10-02 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]


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