Immutable by saartha

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Immutable dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	saartha
ASL Info:	20/F/US
Elite Ratio:	4.52 - 172/247/87
Words:	52

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	37
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	407

Description:
The issue of physicality in society.

aka Sometimes self-awareness was not the best idea ever.

Immutable dots

-------------------------------------------

We take happiness from without
like a coat, donned in opposition
of internalism.

Push away
thought's lightless hum,
the desultory sprawling veins.

In search of quiet equilibrium,
we estrange ourselves
from ourselves,

all shot through
like embroidered cloth
with the shivering filaments of sorrow.

Submitted on 2009-09-30 10:47:41 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Im making a big leap here with my less than nimble mind's interpretation of your work. let me work through first:

-issue of physicality in society? are you speaking of our new found forward prescence, the need to be noticed by all, take part in all, make an impact to all?

-self awareness is bad? knowing self is considered necessary in finding one's purpose, for having a balanced lifestyle and self esteem. in general isnt self awareness a sort of enlightment, and usually enlightment is good?

-first stanza speaks of people taking from the material world to give their innerself an identity, talking about materialism?

-second stanza: are we ignoring our brain's capacity for original thought as no different than the hum from the heating vent? as well as the blood flowing through veins, the lifeforce, or natural physical self is no longer our motivator?

-third stanza: we are hiding ourselves from ourselves to seek balance? actually that kind of works. example: ourselves subtracted from ourselves equals zero which is? a very balanced, rational, understandable number. but....if that equals nothing which zero is, does that mean our society is basically worthless?

-fourth stanza: weaved together, us materialistic, brainless, bloodless, worthless individuals still wonder why are we not happy?

my analysis: this is a very cynical view point, almost too calculated and with out any connecting metaphors between the lines to link the peice together, except for the sheer negative aspect of society. i think there is more hope in mankind, but your statement are all true, each person has fallen to each of those crimes. guilty we stand together.

it was an interestng write, and though im not sure if my feedback made any sense or it was helpful, i was happy to give it.

thanks,

Ash
| Posted on 2009-10-02 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

178989

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]