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    dots Submission Name: have we met?dots

    Author: ghad
    ASL Info:    25/m/fl
    Elite Ratio:    6.01 - 50/29/42
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 940
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 531


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    dotshave we met?dots

    Injected by her infection
    Catch my tone inflection
    Her eyes batted in my direction
    That was my invitation
    To spark conversation
    She didnít know my reputation
    So I spoke with no hesitation
    Didnít say much
    But my age and location
    Said Iíd like to put you
    In my daily rotation
    Donít touch that dial
    Donít switch that station
    I want to be her reason
    For elation
    True satiation
    Till we reach our
    Final destination

    Submitted on 2009-10-01 02:44:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      One of your stronger pieces for its clarity and simplicity so was slightly thrown by "concatenation." It's a great word - and we all know how tempting those can be - but something less erudite (Sorry. Couldn't help myself.) would fit nicely without hanging up your reader.
    | Posted on 2009-11-02 00:00:00 | by Mscreant | [ Reply to This ]
      I like rap, I can't help it.... It's that rhyming muse thing that I [censored] about every-other week. I'm just addicted to snap-flow rhymes. wordy twists and twisty words. This is filled with those clever things, and it states briefly and concisely so much. I see why you used "You" then her again, there are no quotes but that was indicated by Said, so that line does work. (I am a stickler for that sometimes too, but this was stated in the line and didn't confuse at all... just thought I'd throw that out there.)

    You're going to be my funnest reads, I can tell already...
    | Posted on 2009-10-03 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      this is as cheesy as your pic's grin and just as infectious. the line "catch your look your eye lashes" seems a tad forced not flowing with the rest of your piece, its awkward and breaks up the flow of your happy little diddy. you change perspective and your audience. you call the reciever of this poem "your" and then switch to "her" just a few lines down. i suggest sticking to just one of those, even though you admit to being playa, you dont want the reader to know that cos, "wink,wink" she dont know ya reputation. its a cute write.

    | Posted on 2009-10-02 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]

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