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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Why Smile?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Dreamer5009
    ASL Info:    16, Male, USA
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 73/53/28
    Words: 90
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 682
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 650



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhy Smile?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Why Smile
    When you're dying
    Make your life seem worthwhile
    You know you're just lying

    Your smile may seem sincere
    even when the sky's filled with rain
    but you watch your dreams disappear
    And you're overwhelmed with pain

    Why Smile
    When your life means nothing
    Your mind, filled with thoughts so vile
    Makes your existence so crushing

    So try to fake everything's okay
    Your friends know nothing of your despair
    As you lie, hoping the feeling goes away
    as you whisper your goodbye's into the air




    Submitted on 2009-10-01 14:14:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This piece seems to be in 2 different directions.
    One 1 hand you say, "Why Smile?", and on the other you say you must. The way to reconcile the 2 is to bring it together in a QandA type of way. (Why Smile? Because you must.)

    Otherwise the flow gets groggy in some places, my suggestion is to read it out loud to yourself before posting.
    Recheck puntuation before posting, for example this stanza might be punctuated this way:
    "Why Smile,
    When your life means nothing?
    Your mind, filled with thoughts so vile,
    Makes your existence so crushing."

    When I first started someone was really harsh to me and pointed out all the misspellings and grammer mistakes and then wrote at the end, "It muddles and distracts from your message." that made me realize that it's really important. So I'm sorry if I seem harsh. It's just in every piece you write there's a message, and that's what needs to take center stage not your mistakes.

    :)Carrie
    | Posted on 2010-01-14 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]
      It's like Mona Lisa. We've all done it. Putting on that fake face for the world when inside we're a hopeless mess. Good thing those moments fade, eventually, and the sun returns to tease us back to life.

    I think you put this together well and it says what it needs to say.
    | Posted on 2010-01-06 00:00:00 | by kre8ive1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I didn't get anything out of your poem that the last commenter did.... (stepping over those spilled guts on the floor)...

    What I did see is just... angst and futility. Why smile? Well, keep NOT smiling for a few more years, and see what the Establishment does to you, young man. You're an American, and Americans are happy or ELSE!

    Seriously tho... someone will drug you. They always do. Smiling is not a portrayal of happiness anymore, you see, it's a Social Etiquette that is required by those around you to feel comfortable with you. If you don't smile, they don't enjoy your company. It's something you give to others to make them feel better. It has little to do with you or your feelings.

    Once that is accepted, the rest is much easier to understand and play-along with. Not that I'm saying conform, mind you... just my thoughts on Smiling. Take what you will use, leave the rest.
    | Posted on 2009-10-01 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      i don't want to give you space.
    it hurts me too much. i love you.
    and i know i hurt you. and im sorry. aussi.
    not talking to you is like being torn apart.
    i keep saying stop! but nobody hears me.
    and feeling like i let you down is worse.
    im sorry,
    im so sorry.
    im sorry.
    idk how many times i have to say that.
    god. i know you loved me. and i know i love you.
    but i do love case. and im willing to risk everything for him. and im sorry. i can't break away yet. aussi...
    please say you understand? please? im sorry.
    im so sorry.
    i love you til i die and i mean it. and i will always have your back.
    | Posted on 2009-10-01 00:00:00 | by PopRocksRae | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    5. Which parts?
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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