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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: When the flower diesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LiChan
    ASL Info:    18/f/in my reality
    Elite Ratio:    3.26 - 9/6/12
    Words: 190
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 522
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1082



    Description:
       Don't judge me to harshly please! T.T This isn't very well writen and I must apologize for that. I lost my muse at the last verse. Well still, let me know what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhen the flower diesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My love have you ever noticed, when the spring comes you smile.
    My love, have you ever noticed, that when you smile the roses bloom.
    My love, have you ever seen, the beauty you leave in your wake.
    My love, can't you feel, the beating in your chest.

    I have wondered what you think, when you stare off into the rain.
    I have wondered what you feel when you watch the weather grow cold.
    I used to want to reach out when I see you sigh in the frost.
    But now I know I can't help you, because the flower always dies.

    The garden you planted, all those years ago.
    No longer has the flower from then and it feels very cold.
    The frost is laying permently on the ground
    And I can never bring the warmth back.

    But I still wonder what you think when the rain starts to fall.
    I hope that your heart still beats, when the weather turn to cold.
    I see you sighing in the frost covered ground
    However I know, now, that you are just waiting for the flower to die.




    Submitted on 2009-10-05 12:21:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "Hello Li, I voted a four on your poem (When The Flower Dies) not for technical reasons but because it has a distinct esoteric feel to it. I hope you don't take offence if I say 'a re-write is neccessary' because you really have something worthwhile here. You might also consider improving the mechanics of your work e.g. My love have you ever noticed,
    when the spring comes you smile, etc. etc.
    Same words but looks better on a page. Don't give up on this one, it's a winner...------Mugsy-----
    | Posted on 2009-10-08 00:00:00 | by mugsy | [ Reply to This ]
      I really have mixed feelings about this piece- On one hand I want to love it, on the other I want to hate it. However, I believe since I can't decide I must love it. i loved your ponderings and how you used repitition in the first two stanzas but didn't commit yourself to it for the remainder of your poem. This seemed to be an effortless shift, and was well accomplished. So overall, I would have to say I liked it, and appreciate this work. Keep up the good work; come by and commment some of my work sometime.
    Jeff
    | Posted on 2009-10-05 00:00:00 | by jayisademon | [ Reply to This ]


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    179110

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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