Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Godsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Peacejoe
    Elite Ratio:    2.89 - 30/29/23
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 575
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 666



    Description:
       Jotted down in chorus class


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGodsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lines are erasing whats left of your kind
    Tearing your eyes and mangling your mind.
    Step through the shadows
    And stare through the light
    Which blinds you so fiercely
    And burns you so bright.

    Kindly you walk in the lights of the city,
    An army guns down your legs to the ground.
    Quietly tearing your face from its plaster
    And keeping you from being found.

    Lost in the alleys,
    Looking for a god.
    Searching for friends
    Who are beaten like dogs.

    Keeping the world from obeying their orders,
    But not to be found by the legion of gods.




    Submitted on 2009-10-05 15:51:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      For the actual prose of this work, I was admittedly less than thrilled. To me, the wording felt a little clunky. As for the message of this piece, I strongly felt and identified with the idea presented. To me, this poem meant in simple terms, 'When you're in the throes of death and you're praying for salvation; where is your faith going to get you but nowhere?' So in conclusion, the prose left a little to be desired, but the message was strong and thought-provoking. I believe with a little reworking you could create a piece that hits just as hard as it presents. Keep up the good work; come by and comment some of my work sometime.
    Jeff
    | Posted on 2009-10-05 00:00:00 | by jayisademon | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    179115

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Dream written by closetpoet
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry