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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: On Displaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 406
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 432



    Description:
       Had a little issues continuing the idea and motion but I really like how it ended up with the metaphor. If you get it, that is. Comments?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOn Displaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I keep hurting people,
    I know I will.
    Not meant to love
    Just meant to kill.

    I wasn't so coldhearted,
    I swear, I used to care.
    But now I'm just rotten,
    Loves lost fair.

    The play me around
    Like a puppet.
    I'm in my own show
    They'll scream "Fuck it
    Let's watch this girl go"




    Submitted on 2009-10-05 23:20:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think the metaphor you use at the end is good, I think this would be better if you wrote more about this feeling of being a puppet, tried to show us in original ways how it is for you, do you know? Also, the rhythm of this isn't too good, and if you're going to use rhyme in poetry then you need to pay attention to rhythm as well, or it just reads wrong. You could learn about it by reading poetry, or getting book about it, but I think it would really help your work.

    Keep writing.

    Aly
    | Posted on 2009-10-07 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]


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