Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: On Displaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 426
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 432



    Description:
       Had a little issues continuing the idea and motion but I really like how it ended up with the metaphor. If you get it, that is. Comments?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOn Displaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I keep hurting people,
    I know I will.
    Not meant to love
    Just meant to kill.

    I wasn't so coldhearted,
    I swear, I used to care.
    But now I'm just rotten,
    Loves lost fair.

    The play me around
    Like a puppet.
    I'm in my own show
    They'll scream "Fuck it
    Let's watch this girl go"




    Submitted on 2009-10-05 23:20:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think the metaphor you use at the end is good, I think this would be better if you wrote more about this feeling of being a puppet, tried to show us in original ways how it is for you, do you know? Also, the rhythm of this isn't too good, and if you're going to use rhyme in poetry then you need to pay attention to rhythm as well, or it just reads wrong. You could learn about it by reading poetry, or getting book about it, but I think it would really help your work.

    Keep writing.

    Aly
    | Posted on 2009-10-07 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    179123

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Love written by saartha
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    AI written by poetotoe
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer written by layDsayD
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Push written by JanePlane
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Every..... written by jackz
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Cover written by saartha
    written by Daniel Barlow
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    What happens written by Wolfwatching

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry