Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: On Displaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 465
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 432



    Description:
       Had a little issues continuing the idea and motion but I really like how it ended up with the metaphor. If you get it, that is. Comments?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOn Displaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I keep hurting people,
    I know I will.
    Not meant to love
    Just meant to kill.

    I wasn't so coldhearted,
    I swear, I used to care.
    But now I'm just rotten,
    Loves lost fair.

    The play me around
    Like a puppet.
    I'm in my own show
    They'll scream "Fuck it
    Let's watch this girl go"




    Submitted on 2009-10-05 23:20:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think the metaphor you use at the end is good, I think this would be better if you wrote more about this feeling of being a puppet, tried to show us in original ways how it is for you, do you know? Also, the rhythm of this isn't too good, and if you're going to use rhyme in poetry then you need to pay attention to rhythm as well, or it just reads wrong. You could learn about it by reading poetry, or getting book about it, but I think it would really help your work.

    Keep writing.

    Aly
    | Posted on 2009-10-07 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    179123

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Incubus written by monad
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To written by SavedDragon
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Bond written by saartha
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Giving written by jjd
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Song written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry