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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I can't escape that Heart shaped box called mdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Scaredheart
    ASL Info:    15/ Female/ NC
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 92/62/50
    Words: 215
    Class/Type: Poetry/Being a Teen
    Total Views: 56
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1426



    Description:
       I know it's really clische but I needed to write it out. It's purely a vent. I'm not aming for style, flow, or form. Just to relieve the pain from what's going on at home.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI can't escape that Heart shaped box called mdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I can't escape that heart shaped box called misery.
    I want to run,
    from this world I see.
    I need to escape,
    from everything.
    Fighting through,
    suriving this place.
    Just to find,
    my saving grace.

    You got to help me see,
    what this world should mean to me.
    My faith is breaking under this blow,
    my trust remaining under the flow.
    I want to bring peace to them all,
    to silence the screams from down the hall.
    Watch those nasty words fly like gold,
    see them pentrate that box of lead n' silver.
    Forget the healing action in the bed,
    forgot your actions effect me instead.

    They keep screaming,
    in my head.
    Silent frustration,
    tenssion in the head.
    You can feel it too,
    all that hate flowing through.
    Forget the past and let it go,
    your holding on to a war that's been lost.
    Say you love me and let it be,
    stop fighting for my sister and me.

    I can't escape from that heart shaped box they call misery.
    Four letter word equvilant of hate,
    trust me it's far too late.
    We're waging a war on our home,
    my santuary is a danger zone.
    Stop fighting please,
    mommy stop yelling at daddy over me.
    Daddy please,
    just let mommy be.




    Submitted on 2009-10-06 10:55:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a little riddled with clichés for me. And you've made some spelling and grammar mistakes, too. Maybe use spellcheck before you post?
    You're writing about something which is relevant to lots of teenagers, and you could make it interesting and compelling, but this... idk, it's not very original.
    Maybe if you read more poetry you'd see how others do it, get some ideas, learn about rhythm and subtle rhyme, imagery... Just a suggestion.

    Aly
    | Posted on 2009-10-07 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, not being a Nirvana fan (yeah, whatever, Cobain was an idiot), I must urge you, LOSE the "heart-shaped box" cliché... your poem loses all credibility, originality, and it's been pounded into our heads so much, it's just cliché. I'd pick heart-shaped hole, or black-star heart, anything anything, but h.s That's the best I can offer, the rest I couldn't wrap around, the box thing messed it all up for me. It's a slam of DONE B4, you know?
    | Posted on 2009-10-06 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I'm sorry for anyone caught in such a way.
    But your youth explains your poem's short-comings. Rhythm is the key to poetry, -- a must!
    When you have written a poem in your files, visit it often -- you will soon 'feel' the rhythm bumps and resolve them before you post it here. Your first lines could start something like this:-
    That heart-shaped box called misery
    I want to run to escape
    (it would mean you would have to rethink your next lines too of course.) Cheers Honey, Ted.
    | Posted on 2009-10-06 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      this was a sad poem and i kinda can see where ur comin from with it.some times parents fighting is a lil bit too much. i get tired of it too. well u r a verytalented writer n i reali like ur peices of poems so keEp on writTing so i can keEp reading!
    | Posted on 2009-10-06 00:00:00 | by MiseryMarie | [ Reply to This ]
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart-Shaped_Box

    You shouldn't base a title and post around something so hackneyed, even if it's venting, also theres no point saying "I was not bothered about style" when you clearly tried to rhyme certain lines etc etc. It's not so bad as far as venting goes but doesn't stand up under scrutiny, you probably know this.

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2009-10-06 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow this is so sad and powerful. Sometimes we really need to release these emotions to paper so we can be free of them. To express is to heal and to be healed is to be able to move on and be stronger. I really hope things are improving and getting a bit more bearable at home, i know what torture it is to endure such conflict. Powerful piece.

    -Svw
    | Posted on 2009-10-06 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]


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