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Bad Memory

Author: iHaveNoName323
ASL Info:    23/M/NC
Elite Ratio:    5.6 - 37 /37 /26
Words: 48
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 636
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 342


Bad Memory

you can feel the rage
and it's all the same
a twisted mass
of rot and decay
burning, twisting, molesting
my brain
oh sweet agony
the horror remains
like an itch you can't scratch
a thirst you can't quench
my redemption will be
this bullet to my brain

Submitted on 2009-10-06 23:42:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I think this has a really good natural rhythm, and the rhyming feels subtle and precise.

However, the last 2 lines kind of took me by surprise. It doesn't feel like the poem was building up to that end, just like you stuck them on, or something. Like a car with the wrong colour door. I think if you looked at this again you could add some more lines, work up to your ending, perhaps put a little more imagery in, idk.
You say 'a thirst you can't quench'- this is a little cliché, but if you told us more about this thirst with images, or feelings made tangible etc it would greatly improve this piece. The potential is all in the rhythm at the moment- you've written a fluid poem, but it needs more ooomph now.

Just some suggestions.

| Posted on 2009-10-07 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]

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