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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Life is like a Box of Crayonsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MiseryMarie
    Elite Ratio:    2.92 - 8/12/15
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 624
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 584



    Description:
       this is a poem i wrote 3 years ago when i was in nineth grade. it was for a class project. i think it came out good but i need opinions. thanks


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLife is like a Box of Crayonsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I feel the sting of the rain on my face
    as it pours from the dark blue sky.
    It's just enough to take my breath
    and to cause me to stop and sigh.

    The snow falls gently, and I don't understand how something so beautiful couldbe so cold.
    It falls with a shine that's quite so bright,
    it could be mistaken for gold.

    The grass fades from bright greens to
    burnt yellows in the summer's orangey sun.
    We play all day and don't notice the
    red burns till we're done having fun




    Submitted on 2009-10-07 10:41:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Its a very sweet piece though formating could be a little improved. It appears like a short bit of prose but should read more like a poem since there is a rhyming structure.

    maybe something like:

    "I feel the sting of the rain on my face
    as it pours from the dark blue sky.
    It's just enough to take my breath
    and to cause me to stop and sigh.

    The snow falls gently, and I don't understand how something so beautiful couldbe so cold.
    It falls with a shine that's quite so bright,
    it could be mistaken for gold.

    The grass fades from bright greens to
    burnt yellows in the summer's orangey sun.
    We play all day and don't notice the
    red burns till we're done having fun."

    I just did a quick touch up and I am sure you can clean it up all by yourself, theres just a traditional rhyme scheme here that could so easily lead to a better structure. After I divided it into four stanzas it made the changes of the seasons colors more noticeable to me. I think with some tweaking you could have something very very nice.
    | Posted on 2009-10-15 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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