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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Octoberdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Crestfallenman
    ASL Info:    21/M/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.72 - 603/832/351
    Words: 223
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 48
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1447



    Description:
       To you mother,

    R.I.P 10/10/03


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Octoberdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Orange glows of October afternoon,
    Chilling the air, your presence is everywhere,
    I can feel you under the autumn moon,
    Standing there as I fall into my great despair.

    Since your great departure,
    Everything inside of me has felt so distant,
    All void places the fill in my missing rapture,
    All but memories of all the times we spent.

    Leaving this place that night,
    Was where these dimensions took place,
    In my sleep, the greatest value in my life,
    Left my presence without a solatary trace.

    If I could tamper with time,
    I would gather the moment to embrace you again,
    Collecting every hour so pure and refine,
    For in these arms you would remain.

    Staring feeble under the night sky,
    Patiently searching for a sign from you,
    Waiting for your shooting star to zip by,
    Anything to fullfill my agnostic virtue.

    The more you are gone,
    The more the doubt sings to me,
    The questions peg me until dawn,
    Sleepless without a relief for my misery.

    Take these tears, comfort me in my sleep,
    Don't allow me to feel so alone,
    For this trench of sorrow is too deep,
    So deep my sins of faith disable to atone.

    You are not dead,
    I will just say today,
    You are just away.






    Submitted on 2009-10-08 21:01:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You have the meat for a good poem here, but your lack of rhythm spoils it, -- I think I may have mentioned this to you some other time? Dunno! But try using dah dum and use words which fit that rhythm. Just as an example, your stanza 4 could be:-

    If only I could tamper with time
    I'd turn it back to embrace you again,
    and save each hour you made sublime
    so in my arms you'd always remain.

    each line is 4 ft, ($ dah dums and your rhymes are still intact.

    Rhythm makes poems, not rhyming, which is just a tool used for enhancement.
    | Posted on 2009-10-09 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]


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