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    dots Submission Name: timedots

    Author: witheringmisery
    ASL Info:    16/F/Deadman's Lair
    Elite Ratio:    2.54 - 2/5/12
    Words: 57
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 431
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 297

       wrote this on my cellphone one day, when I saw a pair of footprints crossing the ocean over the ice, very clear winter day. Enjoy.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I'm staring at an ocean of white.
    My footprints are all alone, and I wonder, when you took the turn in the road.
    When did you turn off the light. My bones are beginning to ache, beginning to get
    cold, and I realized, the very thing keeping me young, is making me old.

    Submitted on 2009-10-09 11:40:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      yes, i do really like this. i also think aly put it nicely - as to the formatting. with the line breaks it makes it easier to settle into.

    i wish i took pictures. mostly, because when i see images, they provoke thought for me. or somehow, the images get tangled up in words.
    and how you came about this write, is like a picture. or an image on an image.

    the cold makes the body ache in the strangest of ways. but there is something so exhiliarating about it. maybe because breath breaks into air. a tangible something that says you are alive. or the way your cheeks get red. or (insert a whole bunch of other stuff here). but, it can make you feel old, physically. on the other hand, i always feel six when it snows.

    just thoughts that popped up... unspecified.

    | Posted on 2009-10-10 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm just going to mess around with your structure a little bit, I hope you don't mind...

    'I'm staring at an ocean of white.
    My footprints are all alone
    and I wonder
    when you took the turn in the road.
    When did you turn off the light?
    My bones are beginning to ache,
    beginning to get
    and I realize
    the very thing keeping me young
    is making me old.'

    The 'and I realized' should be realize because you start in present tense. With the formatting like this this is easier to read, easier to follow and easier to digest. I hope you don't mind that I did that.

    I like the mystery in this, that we, the readers, know nothing of your conclusion. What is making you old? What is keeping you young? And who are you speaking to? It makes this fluid, gives it all these possibilities. A thousand people could read this and all interpret it differently. Even the ocean of white- I know you explain that in your comment, but sometimes that's how I emotionally feel, kind of foggy, like everything is white. It could really be taken so many ways.

    I love poems with fluidity :) Mine never have it.

    | Posted on 2009-10-09 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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