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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Answer dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlueTorcher
    Elite Ratio:    5.82 - 73/57/63
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 38
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 821



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnswer dots
    -------------------------------------------


    It's been so long since I heard your call
    Faint and low
    It exhilarates me
    Knowing that your still there

    Where have you been all this time
    All these stormy days among my mind
    As the sun beat outside

    Where were you when I asked to be saved
    Were you locked away tight
    A precious gem on display
    But thats not you nor him either
    Instead it's I, standing here

    Only being able to describe
    Petrified
    But I feel this thunder in my chest
    Thumps matching mystic wings vigoursly coursing close
    Sounding, drowning out thoughts

    Yet my question remains the same
    Where were you, when I needed you here
    Because my faith is detiorating my dear




    Submitted on 2009-10-09 12:23:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with AlyRose, but I'd lose that ending... that "my dear" to end on, is stapled to the wall blunt. It's there simply to rhyme and none of the rest of it rhymes. You're taking it too far into personification.

    Otherwise, it's a nice read.... with a hammer=to=the=eyes ending that can be fixed. It just doesn't need to be there. It's so much stronger even as it is, without those last 2 words.

    :) Nice to meet you.
    | Posted on 2009-10-10 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      Do you mind if add a little grammar to this? I think it would be better to read this with grammar, I hope it's ok.

    'It's been so long since I heard your call,
    Faint and low.
    It exhilarates me
    Knowing that you're still there.

    Where have you been all this time?
    All these stormy days among my mind
    As the sun beat outside .

    Where were you when I asked to be saved?
    Were you locked away tight?
    A precious gem on display?
    But that's neither you nor him;
    Instead it's I, standing here.(it's me is fresher)

    Only being able to describe (this kind of doesn't
    Petrified make sense)
    But I feel this thunder in my chest;
    Thumps matching mystic wings vigourously, coursing close, (no caps? consistency!)
    Sounding, drowning out thoughts.(my thoughts?)

    Yet my question remains the same:
    Where were you when I needed you here?
    Because my faith is deteriorating my dear.

    Some of this, without grammar, doesn't make any sense, so maybe think about spellchecking for those typos and for any grammar you're unsure of.

    I like the part about thunder in your chest, and the part about her being a precious gem, because you were using imagery to guide me, not just telling me what you felt, you know what I mean? I think if you extended those parts, linked them somehow, that that would help this poem.

    Aly
    | Posted on 2009-10-09 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]



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