I hate school. I should never have gone back. I was somewhat happy being a recluse and just simply doing nothing on a daily basis. Now I'm doing nothing and getting graded for it. I feel like I've paid my dues. I feel like I have nothing left to prove. I just want to relax and fade away and maybe learn a few things along the way. I thought I would be able to protect myself from the brain-washing the institutional systems try to drive into your brain. It is brain-washing. Especially if you go to one of those schools. Those schools that pretend to be different and pretend to care. I didn't go back to school to get taught about how to be a cog in the machine. I don't want to be a cog in the machine. But that's what they're driving into your brain -- as the "real" world. That's what you need to do to survive. To thrive. To live. They want to you to be an upstanding brain-washed-mind-fuck they can proudly proclaim theirs.
They tell you it's cool to be different, but not that different. It's cool to think outside the box, but not too far out. It's cool to be experimental, but not that experimental. It's cool to try to change the world, but hey -- the world is alright, it is you who isn't -- you have to fit into the machine, conform you fucker, conform.
I did lose myself in the last few months of my life. My life and mind has been kind of falling apart for a little while now. I was trying to keep it together and then almost didn't show up to school on the final day of the final project. Everyone is competing with each other, and despite what they tell you -- competition is bullshit. It destroys. It does not promote creativity, originality, or anything good. Yes, I had had it. I was going to run away. But I have no where to run to. I've been running a while. A lot of pain and suffering. Too much to talk about or think about.
Conform. Change who you are and everything will be alright -- he said. One of those fuckers. Well, I can't. I've tried. I don't think I should have to conform anyway. I could be the dream crusher. There is this one dude I know who is a horrible guitar player, I could tell him the truth instead of making encouraging statements -- cause he likes to try to prove himself better than me all the time, he is also a fake, that's another story. There is this other dude who tells me dirty, angry, aggressive rock isn't music -- but what he does is. I could tell him what he does doesn't fulfill a majority of the things that define music while dirty, angry, aggressive rock does - so what he does is similar to . . . bullshit. I could tell the guy who is so pissed off about Obama trying to create a more socialist society that Obama is right and he is a brainwashed little puppet who has no free will -- because he has been weened on the propaganda of capitalism and can't see past his own shadow. But I don't, I try to be respectful and move on. Cause I don't have anything to prove anymore. You can't change people anyway. You can't teach people to be less selfish. More caring. More empathetic. Better human beings. They are so brainwashed into being whatever society has programmed them to be by the time they are twenty, that it would be a complete waist of time to have an intelligent discussion with them. Might as well conform if you can and get a house with a white picket fence and a wife and 2.5 kids and a 9 to 5 job and a retirement plan and eventually death. He was a good cog in the machine.
Well, sometimes you just have to say it. Fuck You. Yeah, it feels good. Fuck You and it all goes away.
See the problem is, there are people I'm encountering who don't know me and they think by making me jump through hoops and shit they're going to teach me to be a good little cog. They don't seem to understand that there are some things I've experienced that are going to forever make me not conform to all the stupid rules of society and the so called "real world" -- which is completely bullshit by the way. The real world is something we can all get to if we all work together collectively, putting our differences and prejudices aside and understanding that the path to peace and happiness is working together -- not screwing your fellow human beings just so you can be on top, cause that leads no where. That's not happiness. I think happiness can be achieved, life isn't a pursuit of happiness, it is a path to happiness. We can get there if we learn to break all our programming and learn to use our free will and understand that we are all one, not separate. That's what I think.
At this point, I just want to pass through life. In peace. No stress, or pain, or suffering anymore. I've had plenty. But that's just a stupid very non-probable wish. But I'm gonna try.
A little prayer, God, I just have another twenty-four years or so before cancer gets me, can you please just give me a little peace man?
This has been a rant. It was brought to you by Smilie's Underwear -- Puts A Smile On You.