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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: edgy notions dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Hollander
    Elite Ratio:    5.16 - 36/52/17
    Words: 176
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 58
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1236



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsedgy notions dots
    -------------------------------------------


    sit up, ladybug! salt-licked skin preserves young love
    to endure over lighthouses, state lines,
    nina simone’s aching.

    linen long sleeve shirt over tattoos,
    damaged wrists, muscles
    strained, pushing veins close to flesh;
    the last four years
    have been barren.

    life leaps upward to her thighs,
    his fingertips
    dolphins between breasts shaped like tear drops,
    pink from sighs & friction.
    neptune’s diamonds fuse our pressed sexes
    with too much buddy guy.

    swells of water crash bedclothes into the corner
    where a gibson and fuck-me-boots sit
    from the previous afternoon.
    pages are strewn like sand dollars, ink dried,
    splashed with pineapple juice and lipstick.

    seagulls squawk angry at mean children
    while a ceiling fan whips around hot air,
    nights behind dumpsters and gas station bathrooms.
    hard world is at a terrific distance, fading now,
    farther, farther, farther
    until only a stretch of island is wed to the sky.

    it's a delicate flavor of madness,
    of strawberries,
    of what is.




    Submitted on 2009-10-12 17:43:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      
    Ladybug. :)

    I like that part.

    I remember when you had this in your journal. It's actually perfect that you posted it because it reminded me of a photo I've been wanting to give you.

    I love this.

    But to be more specific, I love it because I can pinpoint every nuance, trace it back to something said or done or hoped for and, of course, everything that is. It has this beautiful balance of soft and rough...and it merges something peaceful with something graphic.

    It's exhilarating.

    You have to read this to me sometime.

    Now. One thought/suggestion. That last line, maybe try breaking up? I think it should definitely be separated from the last stanza, just to create that necessary pause, to really make it stand out, because it's absolutely perfect.

    And after that, maybe break it down even further?

    ---
    it is a delicate flavor of madness,
    of strawberries,
    of what is.
    ----

    Something like that. Lets it build up.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2009-10-12 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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