"Stop the rain" by Clayman

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Submission Name: "Stop the rain" dots

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Author:	Clayman
Elite Ratio:	8 - 262/87/66
Words:	120

Class/Type:	Misc/Sorry
Total Views:	71
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	899

Description:
Knowing she would have leapt like a hungry predator at my weakness offers little consolation to her state.

Im not used to seeing her like this, an animal broken, without fight.

I know it's his mother but i cannot shut the valve to her tears in cost of my child's wellbeing.

I am sorry.

"Stop the rain" dots

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Pouring concrete
over my tinsel heart
I promised myself
invulnerability
to your hurts.

Holding the phone to his ear,
hearing you cringe out sadness
was a scatter-blast, jackhammering
my inner workings to wet gunpowder.
Your defeated tremors caressed
fireworks into me like acidic salve.

Promises have destinies that expire.

Every tear liberated was
a snail, balancing on
a needle tip, corroding
wearily, as it tried to stand
up to my salty reign.

Heartlessness exiled,
suddenly with a will of its own,
eluding me, forsaking me...
I used to shut you out easily
like a leathery curtain
slicing off sunlight,
but for a blink of eternity
I felt.

-Svw

Submitted on 2009-10-13 04:08:00 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  This is a well-done piece with crisp images and real emotion. The only criticism I can think of is that images like "was a scatter-blast, jackhammering
my inner workings to wet gunpowder" are quite/ possibly too abstract, but that is also a great part of the piece's charm, so perhaps that's an example of breaking the rules and it working well.

I hope all is well,
Amy
| Posted on 2009-10-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  I have to agree with Scared and Theo on this one. It's a beautiful piece, very emotional and heartfelt. No time for regrets at this point, we do what we have to and keep moving forward. As Sen. Grayson would say, we're rolling, if you're not on board, just stfu and get out of the way, and stop f-ing up the ones who are! (Well, minus the f's...)

Really well-written. Triumph with a twist of remorse... it makes it a bitter swallow.
| Posted on 2009-10-14 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
  So much pain, in such few words to me. What you feel in words here can be put in the picture of a divorce battle of custody from a child's view. Of a office on foreign soil watching a bullet come at him. Of a mother waning to feel her little one's touch, of a father dying to see his child smile again and see the light of day. Such pain's I Understand but do not know as well as you do from your words. I can not say I love this, because I hate that you can experience such pain in your life. I, at the same time, do admire the emotion put in this with such diginty and grace.
| Posted on 2009-10-13 00:00:00 | by Scaredheart | [ Reply to This ]
  im sorry for your pain but you did the right thing. your lil kiddie is safe and he has a future now-- not filled with nights of wondering why mum is crying today.

be strong for him.

ill pray for you, i hope things get better.
| Posted on 2009-10-13 00:00:00 | by Theophilus | [ Reply to This ]

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